A post Orams joke to cheer you all up

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 19:19

A big black prostitute who is a Manchester United fan decided to get a couple of tattoos done...so she had Wayne Rooney done on the left inner thigh and Christiano Ronaldo on her right...a couple of weeks later she is in bed with a punter and she says "If you can guess who they are you can have a good time for free"



The punter takes a good look and says



"I dont know who they are but i'll take a guess...that the one with the big lips and curly hair is Rio Ferdinand"

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 19:20

Idon't get that lol..

zerochlor


Joined: 03/04/2009
Posts: 4024

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 19:26

Message 1



shop front!

The-Wicks


Joined: 27/05/2007
Posts: 2279

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 19:29

Dee - we get Nick's but not zerochlor's!!!!!!!!!!!!

zerochlor


Joined: 03/04/2009
Posts: 4024

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 19:32

Message 4



wat does shop front rhyme with?

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 19:33

oh lol....silly me thanks zerochlor and j and p...lived a sheltered life....NOT lol

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 19:33

Hi Nick your back alright. Missed you . Did you have a great time and left florida as you found it xxx

Dixie Normus


Joined: 22/02/2008
Posts: 820

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 19:34

Neg Nick



Its disgrasefull the way you make jokes out of us coloured people, why did it have to be a black prostitute do you think all prostitutes are black, shame on you, next time your in London I hope you get mugged by one of my cousins you peeg.





D.N

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 19:37

Dixie that has got me roaring..anyway you isn't black man..you is da man lol... wassup

TheSaints



Joined: 28/01/2009
Posts: 1369

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 19:44

Good one Nick, keep em comin.



Msg 5...... Billy Hunt????

keithr


Joined: 20/08/2008
Posts: 720

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 20:01

A flat bottomed boat used in Cambridge ???

andy-f


Joined: 03/05/2009
Posts: 1256

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 21:16

now thats funny NN!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 21:48

It was no man's land in the Battle of the Somme, and a small British raiding party had left their trenches to scout the terrain. There in the mud they spotted a head, with steel helmet on, sticking out of the mud.

'Hello there,' called the lieutenant. 'Who are you?'

'I'm Corporal McGinty, sir,' came the shrill Irish voice. 'I'm a member of the 17th cavalry regiment, and I've got myself stuck in this mud and I'm sinking fast!'

'Don't worry, lad,' called the officer. 'We'll soon get you free..'

With that the soldiers looped a rope around themselves, fastened it to a tree and crawled out to lever McGinty from the mud. Muscles bulging, eyes popping, they pulled his head, his neck, his ears, anything they could grab. They heaved till his shoulders started to come free, but by now they were almost exhausted.

'Lieutenant, sir,' said McGinty, 'do you think it would help if I took me feet out of the stirrups?'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 21:50

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:



'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'



Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.



'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out of ten, but I'm giving Mick the job.'



'Why's that?' asked Pat.



'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had



'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 21:51

'The boss has been on the phone,' said Cassidy. 'He says they're sending down a thousand bricks this afternoon.'



'My God,' cried Kelly, 'how many bricks are in a thousand?'



'I don't know,' said Cassidy, 'but there must be millions!'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 21:52

'Have you work for a handyman?' asked Murphy.



'Depends what you can do,' said the hotel manager.



'Are you good at electrics?'



'No.sor.'



'Plumbing?'



'No,sor.'



'Painting and decorating?'



'No,sor.'



'Carpentry?'



'No,sor..'



'Well what makes you say you're a handyman?'



'I only live next door, sor!'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 21:54

The wife of the Irish jockey who had been widowed when a bus load of jockeys were killed in a crash. She had to go to the morgue to identify her husband. As she pulled back the covers she said:



'That's not him!'



That's not him!'



That's not him!'



Typical of Murphy, never in the first three.!'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 21:55

'At the time of the accident you were in charge of the one-man bus?' asked the judge.



'I was indeed your honour,' replied Casey. 'Can you tell the court what happened?' 'I can't sir,' said Casey, 'because at the time I was upstairs collecting the fares!'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 21:59

The phone went in the hospital casualty department.



'Hello,' said a frantic voice. 'It's Mick Doolan here. Can you come quickly, my wife is having a baby.'



'I see,' said the receptionist. 'And is this her first child?'



'No,' said Doolan, 'this is her husband speaking.'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 22:01

As a birthday treat Pat had taken his fiancee out for a meal at a very smart restaurant. The menu looked rather too expensive for Pat's pocket so he gradually whittled down the lady's choice to chicken and salad.



'That'll be £38 sir,' smiled the waiter.



'Thirty-eight pounds,' said Pat. 'Sure we've only had chicken and salad.'



'Yes, sir,' explained the waiter, 'but you've had chicken breasts. There's only one breast on a bird so we've had to kill two birds to serve you.'



Mumbling to himself Pat reluctantly paid the money just as his lady friend said:



'Why don't we have a cocktail? I fancy a horse's neck.'



'Well,' said Pat. I'll have the legs. They're not killing two horses!'

spider


Joined: 03/01/2009
Posts: 5527

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 22:05

oh No 1,thanks you got me on the floor again,legs all a going,he,he,xx













Spider

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2009 22:09

Hi Spider, how are you?

mrjim



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 78

Message Posted:
06/05/2009 01:06

have you heard of the new drug doctors are giving Depressed Lesbians ?





Its called Trydicagain

keithr


Joined: 20/08/2008
Posts: 720

Message Posted:
06/05/2009 05:57

The government in Australia have set up a swine flu help line. The connection's crap,all you get is crackling....

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/05/2009 09:32

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of Vodka.



The bar tender says "had a tough day?"



The man replied "yeah I found out my little brother is gay".



The next day the same guy walks in to the bar again and this time orders 3 shots of Vodka.



The bartender says "another bad day?"



The man replied "yeah i just found out my older brother is gay".



The next day the same man walks in the bar and this time orders 5 shots of Vodka.



The bartender looked at him and said "Man doesn't anybody in your family like women.



The man then replied "yeah, My wife."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/05/2009 09:35

Paddy is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. Paddy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."



The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."



"What do you mean?" yells Paddy, "Send her the drink!"



"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."



"And why not?" asks Paddy.



The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."



"I don't care, send her the drink." says Paddy..



So after the lady gets her drink Paddy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/05/2009 09:42

Two old lesbians were doing it on a park bench.



One lesbian says to the other, "Take your glasses off, you're scratching my leg."



The other one says,"Put your glasses back on, you're licking the bench!"