Golf Joke, very good

skybluesam


Joined: 24/12/2008
Posts: 447

Message Posted:
19/05/2009 09:40

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.



By It's Size I Could Not Guess,

The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.



My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.



It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,

I Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises A Thing Called Par,

If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.



To Master Such A Tiny Ball,

Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.



It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.



With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,

If Only It Would Find The Hole.



It's Made Me Whi

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
19/05/2009 09:54

To the nineteenth hole for another BEER

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2009 10:22

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.



His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."



The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years.."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2009 10:26

A couple of women were playing golf on a Sunday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.



Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.



The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.



"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.



But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She th

Alie121


Joined: 19/05/2009
Posts: 97

Message Posted:
19/05/2009 18:19

i thought it was really good

harita


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 1343

Message Posted:
01/04/2010 21:41

Arthur is 90 years old.



He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.



“That’s it,” he tells his wife, “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”



His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?”



“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three. He can’t help.” “He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”



So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother- in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, “Did you see the ball?”



“Of course I did,” says Iain “I have perfect eyesight.”



“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.



“I don’t remember.”

Stewart


Joined: 19/07/2008
Posts: 1107

Message Posted:
02/04/2010 08:29

Woke up this morning..said to the wife...I can either go to golf or we can have a morning of passion...."your golf shirt is ironed, close the door quitely on your way out" ..she replied!

Stewart


Joined: 19/07/2008
Posts: 1107

Message Posted:
02/04/2010 08:34

talking about golf with the local priest, I enquired if there was any good golf courses in heaven...he said he would find out.......the following week he stopped me and said " I have some good news and some bad news for you....firstly the good news....the courses in heaven are the best and your ball always flies straight..the bad news is......you have a tee off time 9.30 on monday!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/04/2010 12:38

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.



The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.



"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.



He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments. Then she asked "How does that feel?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/04/2010 12:39

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

swannee7


Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 394

Message Posted:
02/04/2010 19:49

A very rich golf club member was driving his 'bit on the side' to the club and its course and had all his golfing paraphernalia on the back seat of his posh car. On arriving at the clubhouse she went to help him unload and one of the white golf tees fell out of the case. "Oooh, what's that thing?" she asked of her escort.

"That's one of the most important golfing accessories a player can have" he replied. "THAT'S what I rest my balls on whilst driving.!" "Heavens above!" she exclaimed. "You Rolls Royce people think of everything.!!"

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
02/04/2010 21:35

A new member of a Golf Club bragged that he could hit 400 yards down the fairway from the tee. The worst player there said you must then either slice or hook. Only a tiny bit and rarely said the braggard. Worst player said in that case remove the head of the driver and cut approx 2 inches off the shaft then replace the head. Gee said the braggard, will it then drive straight and true every shot ? The worst player said "No idea mate but the f..k.r will fit in the dustbin behind the clubhouse" !!

cyprusgiant


Joined: 08/07/2009
Posts: 467

Message Posted:
02/05/2010 15:09

God,Jesus & St Peter had a Sunday Tee time every Sunday morning at 9am. 1st hole (a par4) St Peter launches a driver and his ball lands 2 feet from the hole. God & Jesus said good shot St Peter. Jesus takes a 3 wood and lands the ball 2 feet beyond the hole. God & St Peter remarked great shot Jesus. God selects a wedge, skied the ball that hit a sparrow, ball drops towards the fairway and lands on the back of a rabbitt. An owl flying by, swoops down towards the fairway, picks the rabbitt and ball up, and drops the ball in the hole. Bloody Hell dad, it's only a game moaned Jesus!

Carndi


Joined: 12/06/2009
Posts: 613

Message Posted:
02/05/2010 16:01

Husband and wife went the local golf club pro for a lesson. The husband goes first whilst the wife waits in the clubhouse.

The pro,after seeing the husbands swing said '' hold the club the same way you hold your d..k ''.

The husband hits the best shot of his life and hurries back to the wife to tell her.

When it's her turn the pro,after seeing her swing said '' hold the club the same way you hold your husbands d..k ''. She only hit the ball two inches. Then the pro told her to take the club out of her mouth