JOKE: 5 Minute Management Course

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
31/05/2009 17:48

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.



The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.



When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.



Before she says a word, Bob says, ' I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'



After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.



The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.



When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'



'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.



'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:



If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
31/05/2009 17:48

Continues....



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.



She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.



The priest nearly had an accident.



After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.



The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'



The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'



The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'



Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.



On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
31/05/2009 17:49

Continues....



Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'



So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.



Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
31/05/2009 17:50

Continues....



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.



'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'



The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.



The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.



Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.



He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.



Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
31/05/2009 17:51

Continues....



Lesson 6



A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.



While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.



As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.



The dung was actually thawing him out!



He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.



Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.



Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.



(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your

friend.



(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!



THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
31/05/2009 17:52

Continues....



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.



They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ' I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.



'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'



Puff! He's gone.



'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'



Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
31/05/2009 18:21

brill loved them keep them coming xxxxxxxxxx

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
31/05/2009 18:26

they had me in stitches where ever do you find them all

sheila

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
31/05/2009 22:45

Filth!!!!!!

elko2



Joined: 24/07/2007
Posts: 4400

Message Posted:
31/05/2009 23:03

I heard similar ones before but they all made me laugh all the same. Thank you.

ismet

McSteviet



Joined: 11/05/2007
Posts: 1089

Message Posted:
31/05/2009 23:57

Great, nice one



Mc

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
01/06/2009 09:18

I`m glad they made everyone smile i`ll be posting more ;)

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/06/2009 09:38

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.



"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".



"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".



"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".



"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".



All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.



Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.



The moral of the story?



You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/06/2009 09:40

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."

"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.



continued.......

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/06/2009 09:40

"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
01/06/2009 13:26

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

husband stalking around with a fly swatter



"What are you doing?"

She asked.



"Hunting Flies"

He responded.



"Oh. ! Killing any?"

She asked.



"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.



Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"



He responded,

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
01/06/2009 13:32

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he

asked about his bill and the barber replies,

'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.



When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank

you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him

at his door.



Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money

from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and

leaves the shop.



The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you'

card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at

his door.



Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he

tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,

'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this

week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
01/06/2009 13:33

Contunies....



The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you'

card and a dozen different books,

such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes

to pay his bill the barber again replies,



'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Member of Parliament is very happy

and leaves the shop.



The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting

for a free haircut.



And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference



between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
01/06/2009 13:34

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,



looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus



is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his



flashlight off, and froze.



When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and



continued..



Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,



clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'



Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the







source of the voice.



Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to



rest on a parrot.



'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.



'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to



warn you that he is watching you.'



The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'



'Moses,' replied the bird.



'Moses?' the burglar laughed.



'What kind of people would



name a



bird Moses?'



'The kind of people that woul