Some Irish Jokes for a Friday

nurseawful



Joined: 06/02/2009
Posts: 5934

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 13:47

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus.



****************************************************************************

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks " How many people are flying with you?"



Paddy replies....................."I don't know! It's your F....n plane.



******************************************************************************



Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses and lies on the bed spreadeagled and says

"You know what I want don't you"



Yeah says Paddy "The whole friggin bed by the looks of it"

Trudy


Joined: 25/05/2009
Posts: 369

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 14:01

Hahaha!!!! Im still laughing at the last one!

Earlybird


Joined: 28/04/2009
Posts: 816

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 16:30

That should put a smile on a few faces today!

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 17:01

Nurseawful

They were so funny and me with a few drinks inside me as well, keep them coming its the best tonic to laugh

sheila

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 17:03

brill nurse made me laugh and im irish xxxx

sporty


Joined: 06/12/2007
Posts: 685

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 17:17

did you hear about the irish woodworm,- it was found dead in a brick!



what do you call an irish man with a piece of glass behind each ear-- paddy o doors.



the irish grand prix team have just pulled out of the round the world grand prix race,when the press asked them why,they said we only borrowed the van for the week!



paddy wondered where the sun had dissappeared to over night so he got up early and went for a walk and suddenly it "dawned"on him.

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 17:49

Paddy is staggering home along the river bank,when he comes across a priest Baptising some people.

The priest stops paddy and asks him has he ever been baptised

"Oi,dont think so Father"

"Kneel down here" says the priest "and I will do you now"

Paddy kneels down and the priest smells alcoholon paddies breath.

the priest says to paddy that because he has taken of the evil drink that he will have to find Jesus and and ask him for his forgiveness,and promptly shoves paddies head under the water.

After a minute or so he pulls paddy up

"Have you found Jesus yet paddy"

" No" says paddy and the priest dunks him under again.

After two further No answers the priest drags him back out and asks

" Have you not found Jesus yet paddy" asks the priest

"No father,but are you sure this is where he fell in"....

decanddyl


Joined: 17/01/2009
Posts: 792

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 18:05

The Irish pilot who was Court Martialled during the Gulf War for bombing Tie Rack

daisy dukes


Joined: 06/09/2008
Posts: 3815

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 18:12

ooooo, i do love a little titter on a friday afternoon!!



DD

decanddyl


Joined: 17/01/2009
Posts: 792

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 18:33

How to confuse an Irishman show him two shovels and tell him to take his pick!

decanddyl


Joined: 17/01/2009
Posts: 792

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 18:38

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

harita


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 1343

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 18:56

Paddy flies first Ryanair flight into Ercan .. Touches down full reverse thrust, finishes up 2 feet from the boundry fence .. Turns to co-pilot Mick, bloody hell Mick that's a short runway.. Sure is Paddy but look at the width of it ..

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 19:05

Coachie that was the best

eager


Joined: 23/02/2007
Posts: 1272

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 19:14

Paddy goes past a craft shop where he see's 3 life size statues made of wood, one was of an englishman, one a scotsman, and one a welshman. paddy goes into the shop to complain .Hey he says to the owner "how come there's not a statue of an irishman"...,,,.Sorry sir says the owner but we could'nt find a piece of wood thick enough !....

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 19:40

Paddy goes to play noughts and crosses with a friend, and goes first as the noughts. His friend then takes his go, at which Paddy says "Beejasus, you forged me signature"

harita


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 1343

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 19:45

No more toast in Ireland .. The woman who had the recipe has died ..

minertor



Joined: 14/02/2009
Posts: 1238

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 21:38

You all call the irish thick but I remember reading that london has one of the densest populations in the world

nurseawful



Joined: 06/02/2009
Posts: 5934

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 22:08

Ho ho ho another thread with no nastys as YET.

snakes



Joined: 28/10/2008
Posts: 1512

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 22:18

2 irish prisoners escape from jail and running through a village they stop at a bus shelter to look at a map of the area !!!! on the map is a arrow with a large box saying "you are here" paddy looks at mick and says "be jasus ! they know where we are already"

proger1



Joined: 18/04/2009
Posts: 2919

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 22:20

Don't jinx it

jackeen


Joined: 25/06/2008
Posts: 222

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 22:29

For the life of me I just cannot remember one irish joke at the mo and you know where I am from with this name! Having a good laugh though. The Irish are well known to laugh at themselves, look at all the joke books you can buy in Ireland about each county. And I still cannot remember a blasted joke!

eager


Joined: 23/02/2007
Posts: 1272

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 22:39

Good on you paddy ! As an Englishman i would love to hear some jokes about us, gotta have a sense of humour, don't take things to seriously. Who remembers Goodness Gracious Me, about going out for an English, Had me rolling up !!!

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 23:53

Paddy and Mick get a job on this high rise building project.Arriving for their first day, the foreman recognises these two,and says "Paddy,top floor,Mick 3rd floor " thinking he can keep his idilers apart he might get some work out of them.

About 4pm there is loud scream and Paddy comes crashing down from the top floor.

An inquest is held into this terrible accident and the Coroner brings in accidental death verdict.

Mick jumps up and says.

"I am sorry your honour,but Paddy died of a Venereal Disease"..Absolutely stunned by this the coroner asks Mick how he has come to this conclusion when all the evidence points to a tragic accident.

"Well your honour when he came past me on the 3rd floor,He shouted Mick I think I am a gonner here"

ROBIN HOOD


Joined: 26/05/2008
Posts: 238

Message Posted:
05/06/2009 23:59

A polish guy goes to the optician. Asking if he can read the letters on the wall, the optician is confrnted with silence. SO he asks again. Again starined concentration of the face of the polish guy ,but no answer. Getting impatient the optician asks again. The answer....

"Hmmmm! Read them? I know him."

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
06/06/2009 01:26

English, Scottish and Irish spies are caught by the Germans in WW2. They are told that as spies they will be shot. The first is the Englishman, who just as the firing party are about to take aim, he shouts "EARTHQUAKE, EARTHQUAKE" and in the confusion makes his escape. Jock is next, and as they are about to take aim, shouts "HURRICANE, HURRICANE" and again in the confusion makes his escape. Paddy is last, and as the guards take aim, he shouts out "FIRE, FIRE............."

the cat


Joined: 22/06/2008
Posts: 71

Message Posted:
06/06/2009 05:10

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

the cat


Joined: 22/06/2008
Posts: 71

Message Posted:
06/06/2009 05:11

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'



Paddy says 'Whats his name?'



Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

the cat


Joined: 22/06/2008
Posts: 71

Message Posted:
06/06/2009 05:13

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

the cat


Joined: 22/06/2008
Posts: 71

Message Posted:
06/06/2009 05:14

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..



He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'



Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

CyprusChill


Joined: 08/05/2009
Posts: 666

Message Posted:
06/06/2009 05:30

Nurseawful screamed ' i have never had anything that large stuck up me '

... Thats Irish...





Good luck to the British Lions and the .. Irish ..

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
06/06/2009 09:16

So funny. Jackeen like you Im irish and cant think of a joke. you ae right we do not take ourselves too seriously. Some good jokes on here loved Cats xxx. CyprusChill i wish them the very best of luck also. I think Odriscoll is brill xx

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
06/06/2009 13:06

Lilli ...Was sitting in a pub in Dublin many years ago and two english guys were cracking jokes about the Irish.Well as you know the Irish are the Biggest offenders of this practice.Well one Irish guy says to this English .Guy

" do you know what is black and blue and floats in the Liffy"

"no idea" says the English Guy

"Well you will if you dont stop cracking jokes about the Irish while you are over here.Only us Paddies allowed to do that....

nurseawful



Joined: 06/02/2009
Posts: 5934

Message Posted:
06/06/2009 13:19

Paddy O' Reilly hoisted his beer "Heres to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!"

That won him the prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife Mary I won the prize for the best toast of the night.

Oh aye says Mary and what would that be?

Paddy says Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church with my wife Mary.

The next day Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking buddies on a street corner. He leered at her and said Paddy won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary.



Oh aye says Mary strange that he's only been there twice in the last four years Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him up by the ears to make him come!!!!!