Joke: The Surgeons.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 10:57

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.



The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'



The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'



The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'



The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'



But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on: there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine; and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the ar*ehole - and they are interchangeable.'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 11:11

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He

breaks into a house to look for money. Inside, he finds a young couple

in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While

tying the home- owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of

her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,

this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably

spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw

how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't

complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he

nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,

he'll kill us both.. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 11:12

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in

my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we

had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom....



'Be strong. I love you, too!'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 11:35

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly

gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they

headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her skirt

and blouse and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe

what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 11:35

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,

and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so

he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day,

riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 11:36

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman

guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the

lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing

my hearing aid and I thought the choices were

fu*k or drown....

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 12:53

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.



'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'



Confused, the father asked what was wrong.



The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech….



If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really sh*g, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 13:28

Sally: I've lost my dog.

Allie: Why don't you put an ad in the paper?

Sally: That wouldn't help. My dog can't read.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 13:29

This man went to the pet shop to buy a red parrot. The pet-shop man said, 'I'm sorry, we've only got a blue one, but if you like I'll give you a pot of red paint and you can take him home and paint him.'

The man said, 'Great,' and off he went with the parrot and the pot of red paint.

The next day he came back. He said, 'Hey, that parrot's dead.

The pet shop man said, 'I don't believe it. There's no way pot of red paint would kill a parrot.'

The man said, 'No, it wasn't the red paint that killed him. It was trying to get the blue paint off with a blowlamp!'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 13:33

While walking down the street one day a female Politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 13:36

The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 13:37

They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 13:38

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!".....

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 13:40

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/06/2009 13:41

The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"