Joke - Little Johnny- Heaven

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
24/06/2009 16:08

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?



The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and

she asked the question,

'When you die and go to Heaven ..

Which part of your body goes first?'



Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you

think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in

front of you and God just takes your hands first . ' !



'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.



Little Johnny raised his hand and said,

'Sister, I think it's your legs.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?'



Little Johnny said,

'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night.

Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,



'Oh God, I'm coming!'



If Dad hadn't pinned her down,





we'd have lost her.'





The nun fainted





Navek

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
24/06/2009 16:09

very funny nav xxx

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
24/06/2009 16:11

thats a good one, keep them coming

dizzycows


Joined: 12/05/2009
Posts: 2736

Message Posted:
24/06/2009 16:47

good to have someone on this forum that puts up good jokes, thanks navek.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
24/06/2009 18:18

Navek. Brilliant!!! ))

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 00:42

Filth !!!!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 00:56

Jock. Give 'em the Birch. )

wattys


Joined: 07/10/2008
Posts: 278

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 13:58

Hubby and wife out on a sunday afternoon drive,npt speaking after a row.



Passing a farm yard with mules and pigs, wife asks sarcastically



"Relatives of your's ?



Husband replies.



" yup F G in laws

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 16:23

hey i know that joke as well but in the one i know its the husbands in laws! But no wonder its sent by a man!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 17:32

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other’s penis and notices there’s a nicotine patch on it.



He looks up at the priest and says,

"I believe you’re supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder,

not on your penis."



The Priest replies,

"It’s working just fine... I’m down to two butts a day."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 17:34

A young couple are flying to Bali to get married. Before getting there, the girl says to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

A little later, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy to be honest with each other. They went on to Bali and got married on the beach. On their wedding night, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy’s wedding tackle and the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 17:34

After she recovered the guy said "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint ?

"The girl said "You told me it was just like a baby".

The guy replied "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 17:39

It was the end of the Gulf War. The Arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring "Red Adare’. Red Adare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red Adare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O’Dare from County Mayo in Ireland.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 17:39

An Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the oil fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost ?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it’ll cost ya" £10,000" "Great" said the Arab and hung up the phone.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 17:40

The Arabs waited in the desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden a transit with four Paddys comes roaring over the sand dunes and head straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the transit drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out and stamped the fire out. The Arabs watched with amazement and just a little later the oil rig fire was out. The four Paddys walked to the Arabs and one said...."Wow..that was rough !"

The Arab, while writing the check for £10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money ?"

Paddy Replied: "Well, first off I’m going to buy a new set of brakes for the Transit !"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 17:47

A guy walks into the local dole office, marches straight up to the

counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE taking benefits. I’d

really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll

have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your

clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be

expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to

satisfy her sexual urges.

You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The

starting salary is £50,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You’re bullshittin" me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 17:49

A very popular scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says "I’d

like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we’ll see if it’s ok"

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid". He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things.

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.

The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 17:50

David Beckham at a management seminar says:



"I like them cos they make my breath fresh"



There’s stunned silence then someone shouts:



"Tactics you thick twat!!!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/06/2009 17:54

A woman goes into an undertakers to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the funeral director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He says, "Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing ?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and asks him to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, "Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was OK. So...

I switched the heads."