Joke, Duck walks into a Bar

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 18:49

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"



Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"



Duck says: "Got any nails?"



Barman says: "No"



Duck says: "Got any bread?

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 19:03

How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

Jeannie


Joined: 04/08/2009
Posts: 3283

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 19:20

Tootie



to both.



PS Would that be a bayonet connection light bulb or the threaded type?????????????

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 19:31

Jeannie, lol

Sorry it should read: "How many Cyprus44 members does it take to change a light bulb"?



Tootie

IvorBankloan



Joined: 14/08/2009
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 19:39

Rabbit walks into the golf club bar and order a pint of best bitter and a toastie

Barmans sya, what kind of toastie, cheese, tomato, chese & onion, cheese & ham.

Rabbit confirms cheese & tomato, eats it , drinks his pint and leaves.

day 2

Rabbit walks into the golf club bar and order a pint of best bitter and a toastie

Barmans sya, what kind of toastie, cheese, tomato, chese & onion, cheese & ham.

Rabbit confirms cheese & onion, eats it , drinks his pint and leaves.

day 3

Rabbit walks into the golf club bar and order a pint of best bitter and a toastie

Barmans sya, what kind of toastie, cheese, tomato, chese & onion, cheese & ham.

Rabbit confirms cheese & ham, eats it , drinks his pint and leaves.

day 4

Rabbit walks into the golf club bar and the bar man says, are you OK you look a bit pale and seem to be floating on air not hopping about as you normlly do.

No says the Rabbit I'm dead

Oh my says the barman, what did you die of

Mixin mit toasties says the Rabbit

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 19:44

Msg 5, Nice!

gooligan


Joined: 30/01/2007
Posts: 1591

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 20:12

I've just got a job with the samaritans.

I tried to ring in sick this morning but the bast*rds talked me out of it.

IvorBankloan



Joined: 14/08/2009
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 20:13

A Panda sitting the bar in Dubai is approached by a beautiful young blonde in a low cut top wanting to buy him a drink. Panda accepts and chats to her throughout 3 or 4 more drinks before she invites him for dinner back at her place. They have a fantastic 5 course meal along with an expensive Chardonet and a couple of after dinner Cognacs before retiring to the sofa. Soon after the Panda finds himself in bed with the blonde. He humps and bumps all night long before dropping off to sleep just before day light.

At breakfast the blonde asks the Panda for money

bewildered Panda: Money? What for?

Blonde: Well you had a good night, you enjoyed yourself didn’t you, and I’m a prostitute so I want paying.

bewildered Panda: Prostitute, what a prostitute?

Blonde: shows him a dictionary and read out Prostitute, a person that provides sexual favours for money.

bewildered Panda: thumbs thru the pages to Panda and reads out “Panda, black and white animal that eats shoutes and leaves”

minertor



Joined: 14/02/2009
Posts: 1238

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 21:25

penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman "has our kid been in". Barman says "not sure I know him, what's he look like"



Horse walks up to the bar, barman says "why the long face".



Polar bear walks into a bar, says "I'll have a pint of bit...................ter" barman says "whats with the big pause"

minertor



Joined: 14/02/2009
Posts: 1238

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 21:32

A flash King Edward potato goes into a bar and chats up this lovely Jersey tomato. Takes her outside where he's set upon by two jealous punk carrots. Wakes up in hospital two days later, glad to be alive. Doctor comes over and tells him, "you're lucky to be alive, but I'm afraid you'll











be a cabbage for the rest of your life"

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 21:39

toots loved it xxx

keithcaley



Joined: 13/06/2008
Posts: 2521

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 21:44

Girl walks into a bar.







Guy says to her





"My names BOND, ...........JAMES BOND"





She says to him







"OFF,...............

























F**K OFF!"

minertor



Joined: 14/02/2009
Posts: 1238

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 21:51

village idiot and his cousin go to the big city Saturday night. Sat in a club where V.I. espies a doll at the bar. "I fancy her" says he, "who?" says cuz. "That bird with the skinhead cut and levi suit" says V.I. "bet yer can't pull her" says cuz. V.I. approaches her and asks her if she'd like a drink. "save your money love, I'm a lesbian" says she. perplexed V.I. tells her he's not a racist and asks her what part of Lesbia she hailed from. "no, you don't understand. I'll explain" says she. "do you see that little blue eyed blonde with the big t.ts and tight arse down the bar" V.I. has good long, long look and nods. " I want to go over there, put her over my shoulder, take her home, strip her, throw her on the bed, cover her with whipped cream and take all night licking it off" says she. V.I. goes back to his seat, sobbing. Cuz says "what's up cuz" V.I. replies " I've just realised,











I'm a fecking lesbian"

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 21:54

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 21:56

Wicked keith!!!! lol

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
30/08/2009 22:06

Buy all accounts this was a real story......

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."



Tootie

NatAless



Joined: 31/03/2009
Posts: 789

Message Posted:
14/09/2009 20:02

MSG 2 is brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!



Natx

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
14/09/2009 21:16

During exercises in the med with American fleet,a Yank radioed the Royal Navy" How is the second largest navy in the World" Reply.."OK. Matey.How is the second best navy in the world" No Answer...

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
14/09/2009 21:27

Coloured Gentleman walks into bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Barman asks, "Where did you get that from?" Parrot answers, "Africa, there's millions of them"!



Richard

rattler



Joined: 13/08/2009
Posts: 37

Message Posted:
14/09/2009 22:36

i went to kyrenia zoo last week

dont't bother, all they had there was a dog, what a waste of money.



it was a shitzu

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
14/09/2009 23:33

brill all of them keep them coming xxxx

swannee7


Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 394

Message Posted:
15/09/2009 20:03

1) Man in doctor's surgery: 'Doc, I can't stop singing "The green green grass of home".

'Hmmm. Sounds to me like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Wow! Is that common?'

'Well, its not unusual.....!'



2) Heard the story of the 2 peanuts walking down a street and one was assaulted ? (get it?)

parky


Joined: 13/06/2009
Posts: 182

Message Posted:
16/09/2009 17:55

Man walks into a bar, and goes ouch, who put that there.