Advice needed re grandchild

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 00:45

Have just witnessed the bullying of my 8-year-old grandaughter by my son & his wife

while the child was trying to do her homework. I had come to take her to dancing class

(which I pay for) and she was in tears as they kept on constantly at her telling her what

to write, how to write. She kept telling them it was "her news" she had to write. Should

I interfere? I know it will cause trouble and they won't like it, but my heart goes out to her.

Ballyboffin


Joined: 25/08/2007
Posts: 903

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 01:12

That is so sad for a granny to watch, but of you do interfere you risk losimg your grandchild as the parents can stop your contact with her should there be a row about this. I'm so sorry for your situation.



I think that you should praise the child in front of the parents. saying how bright you think she is and how she should develope her own ideas and that they should not try to "help" her with her homework, but let her learn by her own mistakes. I'd add very gently that there is no-one to help her in the classroom, so they aren't doing her any favours by telling her what to write.



You are going to have to be really diplomatic about this.



Best of luck.

eager


Joined: 23/02/2007
Posts: 1272

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 01:16

Do not make snap decisions, could be that there has been friction before you got there and maybe you have not understood the whole situation. You must know how they get on in general terms as a family, everyone flips from time to time, stay out of it maybe just a storm in a teacup.

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 01:22

Oh my god if it was mine I dont know what i would do are they in a bad marriage. does she witness violence As a grandmama you have to step back in trouble and forward in help. give her your undieing love and let her know that. They have a special bond xxx

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 01:23

Yes, I know I have to be very diplomatic and tread carefully. No risk of them stopping contact and they don't

have reason or right to do that (I help them too much also) My son was the worst I have to admit as he critisized her teacher and they both threatened to stop her going to dance. They think they are doing it for

her good, but as a (secondary teacher) myself I think they will destroy her confidence in her own ability.

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 01:43

She is a very bright, loving and beautiful wee girl with above average ability in reading

and can write wee stories herself. I love her to bits and she knows that.

The parents have been through bad patches but seem to be getting on well now - just going

to celebrate 10 years and I get to stay with them all night Thurs!

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 01:46

phyl you are so lucky right noe i would kill to see my grandkids xxxxxxxxx

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 01:54

I know. Where are they now Lilli? When will you see them?

Jeannie


Joined: 04/08/2009
Posts: 3283

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 01:56

This is a very, very, tricky situation. I am speaking from experience here. I was born in 1950, an only child, and my mother was determined I would not be spoilt. Ha - fat chance! She (God rest her soul) undermined me to such an extent that, at nearly 60 years old, I still basically have very low self esteem. However, when my son was born, almost 30 years ago, he was, to her, the best thing since sliced bread. Understandably, per- haps, since he was her only grandchild. She looked after him, from when he was 3, part time and took him to playschool 3 afternoons a week. (I was at work, part-time). We used to have huge arguments about him; he'd tell her things that were absolute untruths, to gain sympathy, and she believed him. I very much sympathise with your case, but please remember, they are your son and his wife's children, and not yours. I am very sorry if I sound harsh, but at the end of the day, they are your grand-children (a very special bond, I know) but not your kids.

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 02:11

Yes, I know that Jeannie, and I bend over not to interfere. But, when you see the dreadful things that happen to some children, I have to ask where were the other family members? Grandparents must have the right to

stop cruelty when you see it happening.

nurseawful



Joined: 06/02/2009
Posts: 5934

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 06:26

Phylray,

Could you not suggest you take your grandaughter every day after school for a bit, do her homework with her before she goes home. Just say you would like to spend more time with her which is probably true anyway.

I would give anything to see my grandchildren but after a messy divorce my ex daughter in law allows us no access whatever to the kids.

numpty


Joined: 20/05/2009
Posts: 554

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 07:55

Hi , my heart goes out to you and your grandchild, this is a tricky one,but i do think you have to speak with your son and daughter-in law, Grandparents do not have rights, they have to go to court to get rights,(in England). I do hope things turn out ok for you and your grandchild,

numpty


Joined: 20/05/2009
Posts: 554

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 08:25

Hi, me again, here is a web site to go on regards grandparents, i found this helpful.



the grandparents association



good luck

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 09:21

Thanks for all your help and suggestions everybody. I must say when I am with her during homework she asks me to sit with her, but I only offer suggestions if asked, and I think she does very well. Whenever I have set (English) homework I have expected the child to do it, with little interference from parents, and certainly not telling her what she can and can't write, and how to write it.

Nurseawful, I feel for you very much, and I know it can happen. It is so wrong.

julie.andrews


Joined: 09/07/2008
Posts: 27

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 10:29

Mrs phylray,

This is a dreadful situation, but if it is any comfort, you can only do what you believe to be the right thing to do with the situation as you see it now. If in the future it turns out to be wrong, no-one should criticise you as long as it's what you feel is right 'now'



Mrs Nurseawful,

There is plenty of legal precedent on grand parents having access to grand children. In fact, it is the other way round, you as grand parents have relatively little rights, but the child has plenty.

UK courts will grant an access order, and this can be done with minimal professional legal assistance through the County Court.

The main point to remember is that submission must be in favour of the child having reasonable access to the grand parents, not the other way around.

Can be a messy journey, but the ultimate winner is the grandchild.



My thoughts are with you all.



Mrs A.

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 11:17

Glad to hear what you say JulieA about grandparent access. When they are older nobody can stop them

seeing them, but what a waste of precious time. I never knew either of my grandmothers, one died and

I always believed the other was dead too, but she lived to old age, and I only found out when she really

died (after I was married) In her case there were good reasons why she was kept away from us, but I

was curious all the same. I hope you get some help with this, and a happier outcome.



As for me, I will tread gently, and be as diplomatic as I can. Having brought up 4 of my own, single-handed for later time, I know it is not easy, and we all make mistakes. Maybe when your own parents are strict you

tend to be gentler with your own, sort of balances out, hopefully.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 11:19

Have a quiet word with your Son. Tell him that under no circumstances are you interfering, it's just that you want him to know how you feel about the situation. You could in fact tell him a 'white lie' that a similar situation occured when he was 8 years old and that you were grateful for the advice given by your Mother.



Good luck!

frontalman



Joined: 28/02/2008
Posts: 499

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 11:20

I think it a shame you seem to have that much distance between you and your son, that you can't resolve this immediately with him. Children get a raw deal in this world (unless you are lucky enough to be born in a primitive tribe in the rain forest). I personally would not worry about hurting the parents' feelings if you feel their treatment is unjust and abusive, the child is dependent on them, they are her caregivers, she cannot just up and leave. So many of the world's problems have been caused by not taking action, rather than intervening when appropriate. But, I agree, care is needed. It's important to talk about everyone's feelings about what's happening and not get into a blame game.

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 15:29

No.1 Doyen, yes I will have a quiet word at an opportune moment when children are not there (which is

not often) My own mother died when I was 12 so never saw her girls grow up let alone grandchildren so I

can't tell that white lie! I do remember both of my parents being told off by older sisters for being too hard

on me, and in front of me too, which surprised me a lot. She was becoming ill so that may have been part of

problem and then later I found out that what annoyed her about me, i.e. I was dreamy, was just how she was

as a child! I know she loved us very much and very grateful for my nursing her (at 11)



frontalman: It's not that I have distance between my youngest son and myself, but that in the past I have had

trouble from his wife, and he has been "torn between us" as he says. Things are much better now and I hate

to rock the boat so have to find a way round it somehow for her sake. They are good, loving parents generally

HildySmith


Joined: 02/07/2009
Posts: 1708

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 15:48

You mentioned that you are a teacher yourself.

why don't you offer to go round/or have her at your house each night and help help her with her homework.

You could also nicely tell your Son what you did for him when he was 8 and how you did it.

Woodspeckie


Joined: 25/01/2009
Posts: 2263

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 16:12

The child first of all needs reassurance that she is loved by her parents and that they think helping her with homework is for her own good, not always the case. My 4 grandchildren come to me from school each day and have often asked for help with homework, I always say I can't do it for you but I will look at it when you have finished, sometimes when they have put wrong answers I have not corrected them because they have to learn the hard way. My daughter-in-law mother of two of the children does not interfere with the work they do at school at all no help at home from her they have to get on with it and up to now have had good results and reports.

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 16:28

I live in another town 4 miles away, but am over to get them from school and do homework with them

3 days every other week, and call in on Mon. when the problem seems to be with news they have to write.

I agree Woodspeckie to let her do it and I do offer suggestions if she asks, but they make her write it out in

rough first, then check it, critisize and they were just going on and on. When she put her fingers in her ears

(and I didn't blame her) she got told off for that too. It's more important that children write what they want at that age I think than whether it looks neat and pretty on the page.

minertor



Joined: 14/02/2009
Posts: 1238

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 16:35

I fell out with my son-in-law 5 years ago. I thought he was going over the top when chastising my then eleven year old grand-daughter. We haven't spoken since but my daughter visits Cyprus at least once per year and the five months that I spend in UK each year my now sixteen year old grand-daughter spends more leisure time with me than at home. Her eighteen year old student sister does the same. My daughter visits at least fortnightly. My son says that I have always sorted out my problems with violence. All I know is that my daughter and grand-daughters/sons expect my support and I will do what I know works, for me anyway. Don't allow those you love to be bullied, accept that you will have to live with the consequences, however hard. If you feel it's the right course to take, take it, you'll sleep better.

Woodspeckie


Joined: 25/01/2009
Posts: 2263

Message Posted:
01/09/2009 22:01

My daughter-in-law is a teacher and as I have said she doesn't interfere with their schooling but on occassions I think she is too strict with the 2 children, I bite my tongue sometimes as life is too short to fall out with people and bear grudges. I know the children love her very much and don't catch any harm by being sent to their rooms, it's just me who is a softie I suppose.

JohhnyLee


Joined: 25/04/2009
Posts: 2495

Message Posted:
02/09/2009 01:04

Please see our website for our beautiful grandson, Joshua, we never get through a day with out shedding a tear due to our Daughter and her evil husband, http://www. joshua hickens .com

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
02/09/2009 01:14

jojnny tried but to no avail. I can imagine your pain . I cry on a daily basis re my grandkids xxxx

JohhnyLee


Joined: 25/04/2009
Posts: 2495

Message Posted:
02/09/2009 01:30

Sorry try www,joshuhahickens,com I am a bit blonde with computors, please read read the guest book entrys and see how cruel they whwere with regards to his dad

JohhnyLee


Joined: 25/04/2009
Posts: 2495

Message Posted:
02/09/2009 01:33

Oh ive done it again hit the wrong key, its http://www.joshuahickens.com its definatley on there its top of google under that name. Thankyou for taking the time to read it

fire starter


Joined: 19/06/2008
Posts: 3401

Message Posted:
02/09/2009 12:57

hi phyl,



i think it is a tricky situation and do feel you would be best to leave well alone.

my mum would always interfear with my boys and we never thanked her for it, in fact we don't even speak that much anymore. please don't do the same, its not worth it.

my worry is with this news thing.

when one of my boys was at school he wrote about his weekend, he went to the pub with granddad and played the fruit machine! he was only about 6 or 7 at the time. the teacher questioned me on this, i had to explain that it was a family club my son went to , granddad played the fruit machine and my son just pulled the handle!

i think this is the schools way of digging into your family business, to see if a child is being cared for or is at risk in any way. i was always very careful after this to check my kids news. not that we had anything to hide, but it was how it would be interpreted by an outsider.

NatAless



Joined: 31/03/2009
Posts: 789

Message Posted:
02/09/2009 15:03

Phylray I agree with nurseawful msg 11, could you not offer to do her homework with her as often as you can? Often parents, afraid of their childrens' bad results or intimidating teachers 'help out' too much when it comes to their children's homework but as your grand daughter correctly said it is her homework and she must do it herself, if there are mistakes these will and should be noted and corrected by her teacher, let her know you are there for her if she gets stuck as you say you do and encourage her, grand parents are wonderful for children, they often are clamer and have more patience than parents sometimes, the relationship is very unique, you will boost her confidence and that's what grand parents are there for! To spoil and love them and help them in any way, when I see my nieces with my mum and they happiness and love they get out of eachother, it's wonderful! They love it when she picks them up from school etc...good luck!

Natx

NatAless



Joined: 31/03/2009
Posts: 789

Message Posted:
02/09/2009 15:11

re msg 14 of course she will feel stressed out if they are on at her nagging while she is doing her homework and then she will make mistakes as a result, it's bad enough that they get so much homework nowadays at such a young age, but a calm encouraging influence by her side like yourself will surely ensure she does a better job and feel better about it and herself.

Natx

NatAless



Joined: 31/03/2009
Posts: 789

Message Posted:
02/09/2009 15:15

contd If they tell her what to write it's just a dictation, my six year old niece writes diaries about her school holidays for homework and other stories, it has to be their words, the way they say and write things is so clever, often amusing and full of imagination!

Geejay


Joined: 18/04/2009
Posts: 475

Message Posted:
02/09/2009 16:03

phylray....I know from experience how difficult this kind of situation can be.

You must not interfere as this could place even more stress and unhappiness in your family relationships.



However, surely there is no reason why you cannot express your concerns to your son and daughter-in-law in a social setting. This would of course require a great deal of tact, diplomacy and sympathetic understanding of what they all may be experiencing at present.

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
03/09/2009 00:36

Thanks Nataless and Geejay Feel less stressed about it now, and I think am on right track

I feel she is right in that it's her own news to express how she wants, and I do give her suggestions

when I'm there which is quite often. Going to get them from school tomorrow and stay all night for

first time as parents are out in the city celebrating their 10th anniversary. They work hard and I know

they want the best, but I feel it's wrong to have their bright and loving child crying over homework.

Yes, it's a matter of balancing things up all round and being very tactful (it's like treading on eggshells!)

We will have fun tomorrow!

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
03/09/2009 00:57

good for you girl just enjoy yout tome together. my love to you both xxxx

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
03/09/2009 01:02

Thanks Lilli, look fwd. to seeing you again end of Oct.