Mortuary Joke don't read if Irish and easily offended!

nurseawful



Joined: 06/02/2009
Posts: 5934

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 11:01

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.





'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile inspector', says the Coroner.





'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'



The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'







'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'







'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.







'He thought he was having his picture taken'.



Chris

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 11:31

hehe, I can't see any irish person being offended by that. Just a harmless silly joke, still funny.

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 11:40

I thought it was Bang out of order !!!!!!!

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 11:48

He was more than likely smiling as he knew some idiot would make a joke of it!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 11:57

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.



It was just After Eight.



They got off at Quality Street.



He asked her name,



'Polo - I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.



I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.



He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers.



He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.



It was a Fab moment, as she screamed in Turkish Delight.



But 3 days later his Sherbert Dib Dab started to itch :-(



Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett....



and he had Allsorts !!!

mmmmmm



Joined: 19/12/2008
Posts: 8398

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 11:58

with a name like that it will only 'offend' left-footed Oirish ;D



OMG.. will I have to write an essay to 'explain' that ? ;)

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 11:58

Nav, an old one. Still good

nurseawful



Joined: 06/02/2009
Posts: 5934

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 12:06

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.

"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:

"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 12:07

Mark,



please.....no essay.....we do not have the time!!!





hope you are keeping well.





sunny day here in Islele.



Padraic. (can kick with both feet)

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 12:13

nurseawful, your jock joke actually gave me a coughing fit ;-) (As I was laughing out loud)

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 12:16

it made me sick in the stomache.!!!!

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 12:26

stomach !!!!

vonny


Joined: 25/06/2009
Posts: 476

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 15:34

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.

''Dactor,its me ahrse,id like ya ta tayk a look,if ya woot''.

so the Dr gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

''Incredible''. he says, ''there is a £20 note lodged up here''.

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom

and then a £10 note appears.

''This is amazing.'' exclaims the Dr,''What do you want me to do?''

''Well fur gadness sake,teyk it out,man!''shrieks the patient.

The Dr pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears and another and another ect..

Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear,

''Ah Dactor,tank ya koindly,dat's moch batter,just out o interest,how moch was in dare den?''

The Dr counts the pile of cash and says''£1,990 exactly.

''Ah,dat'd be roit''says the Irishman...............

''I knew i wasnt feeling two grand!.

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 15:38

vonny loved it, chris i dont think any irish would take offence, we are the first to laugh at ourselves, dont you know x

Goonerboy


Joined: 01/04/2009
Posts: 723

Message Posted:
14/10/2010 17:57

1) Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the checkout.



He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.





2)An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.



'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this

procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at

least 5 pounds.



When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly

60lbs!



'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said,'Did you follow my instructions?'



The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going

to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'



'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.



'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
15/10/2010 11:02

Quiet true lilly.



Anyone know any English jokes? come on we can all have a real good laugh!i