Joke- Time for a Smile

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
17/10/2010 19:37

2 gays were in an alley, when a policeman arrives. One runs off but the policeman grabs the other.

"You dirty bastards. If I'd caught your mate, this truncheon would've gone right up his arse".

A voice shouts "Yoo hoo I'm in the wheelie bin".



Wayne rooney was asked in a recent interview, "What would you be if you weren't a proffesional footballer"?

Wayne answered "A virgin!!!"



Man and wife are out shopping together. Wife sees some shoes she wants but her husband says "NO WAY! their way too expensive".

Later that night in bed he lays a hand on his wifes pussy, She says, "I don't think so mate! If you can't afford to shoe the horse, then you ain't riding it!!!"

martinD41


Joined: 06/09/2010
Posts: 3001

Message Posted:
17/10/2010 20:46

Excellent.

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
17/10/2010 20:47

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

nurseawful



Joined: 06/02/2009
Posts: 5934

Message Posted:
17/10/2010 20:56

TT



Have you been on holiday as your jokes certainly improving!!!



Chris

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
18/10/2010 12:02

Happy & Sad,

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV, when he turned to his wife and said..

"Babe, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time".

She said "You've got the biggest cock out of all your mates".

My wife has just come in to the living room wearing fishnets, a little pvc number and high heels.

She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'

I can't wait - I love shepherds pie.



Bloke in a night club sees a big fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and asks "Have you got a pen?"

She looks up and smiled and says "Yes"

"Well" he says "you'd better bugger off back to it then before the farmer finds your missing



I was in a pub last night when this girl came up and stood next to me at the bar. She sniffed the air, then she looked at me, smiled and said "mmmm what have you got on?"

I said "Well I've got a hard on but I didn't realise you could smell it"

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
18/10/2010 14:16

2 gays said goodby at the airport by kissing each other behind the hangers.



2 gays moved into a new flat and whilst one stood on a chair and reached up to put clothing into a cupboard he inadvertently passed wind. His partner "Bertie" said "Horace, this is no time to speak of love when there is work to be done"



A gay got overly excited at a Church when the incense was swinging as part of the Service and shouted "Hello sweetie, your handbag is on fire"

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
18/10/2010 15:41

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up sleepily. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe..."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.

"OK then Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad ne

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
18/10/2010 15:44

In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?'"

"You're in the team for Saturday."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
18/10/2010 21:11

I lost my wedding ring yesterday. Had a brief look under the sofa but wasn't really bothered, so my wife told me to look harder.



So I shaved my head and bought a new Nike tracksuit, but I still can't find it.    

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
18/10/2010 21:14

all very funny, still laughing. you lot are nuts x

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
18/10/2010 21:51

At a recent job interview:



What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?



Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.



And your strengths?





I'm Batman.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
18/10/2010 21:54

An American General and British General are having a conversation about which of their soldiers are braver. "Us Americans are so much braver than you limey Brits. Hey, you wanna see some courage? I'ma prove it to y'all," said the American. "Sgt. Johnson! Come here, Son. See that there watchtower? I want you to climb up to the top and jump off of it!"

"Sir, yes, Sir!" shouts the trooper and off he goes and does it. As he's stretchered away, saluting with a broken arm, the American General turns to the British and says "See? Our boys are brave enough to follow orders without a single thought or a moments hesitation."

"Interesting," says the British General. "Sgt. Smith! Over here please. Be a good fellow and climb up the watchtower and throw yourself off." The British soldier looks at him and says "Bollocks to that, Sir!" As Sgt. Smith stands to attention the British General turns to the American and smiles "Now that, my friend, is courage!"

   

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
18/10/2010 22:09

very good Bill. Actually made me laugh out loud.