A short Christmas story (joke)

MaggieAndBernie



Joined: 26/07/2008
Posts: 2012

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 14:21

A Little Christmas Story



When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not

produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to

feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.



Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which

stressed Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of

them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the

fence and were out, Heaven knows where.



Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards

cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were

scattered.



Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and

a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the

elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.



In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke

into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

cont...........................................

MaggieAndBernie



Joined: 26/07/2008
Posts: 2012

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 14:22

Cont.............................



He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the

straw off the end of the broom.





Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to

the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a

great big Christmas tree.





The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't

this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would

you like me to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the

Christmas tree.



Not a lot of people know this.

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 15:01

Ho Ho Ho,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 15:14

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man



standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.



The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink



and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...



‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.



The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -



tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'



'Sure will '



the young man did as he was told, stood up,



whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.



'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'



'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster



where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.



cont..........................

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 15:15

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up,



drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.



'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'



The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.



'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'



The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,



he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

jakki



Joined: 23/10/2007
Posts: 865

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 15:18

Oh I love the Christmas/Angel story - never heard it before - it's great!!!

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 15:55

Great! ((Only uploaded on this board seven (!) times before. SEVEN TIMES.)). Just waiting for next year: it'll be 10 or 12 times. Long live original and creative posts... :-(

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 16:32

Long ago before Santa's GPO Grotto, a young boy wrote and posted a letter to Santa and asked if he could have £5 to buy a Fire Engine for Christmas as it was £9 and he had only got £4 pocket money throughout the whole year. The lads in the sorting room were so moved by his plea that they had a whip round and sent the money back to the little boy as if from Santa. Early in the New Year another letter arrived in the sorting office for Santa. It said "Dear Santa, thank you very much for the money towards the Fire Engine. Unfortunately it was 50 pence short of what I needed but I do not blame you as we all know what thieving b.......s they employ in the GPO sorting office " !

Marvo


Joined: 30/04/2007
Posts: 194

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 17:50

I see Mr Happy is at it again

daisy dukes


Joined: 06/09/2008
Posts: 3815

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 18:27

Maggie that angel story was lovely, i've never heard it before either...ignore the Gestapo...thanks so much for posting it! xx





DD

MaggieAndBernie



Joined: 26/07/2008
Posts: 2012

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 21:15

Msg 7 Cloggy



A very, very merry Christmas to you!!! lets hope some of our British Christmas cheer rubs of on all the miserable people around the world! xxxxx

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 21:43

M & B - very good.

hattikins


Joined: 17/02/2008
Posts: 2793

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 22:28

Maggie

Love that joke, always makes me smile even though it's an old one. Wishing you and yours a Very Merry Christmas, and Ho, Ho, Ho to the boring old fart.

MaggieAndBernie



Joined: 26/07/2008
Posts: 2012

Message Posted:
14/12/2010 23:52

Hattikins, as they say on t'internet....rofl! xxxxx

zookeeper


Joined: 17/03/2010
Posts: 168

Message Posted:
15/12/2010 07:55

Unfortunately I can't eat turkey for Christmas dinner as I think it's fowl tasting.



Mr Z

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
15/12/2010 11:20

Zookeeper. You never feel "peckish" then ?

hilda


Joined: 10/09/2009
Posts: 80

Message Posted:
15/12/2010 11:34

zookeeper

Stop being a chicken and try it

zookeeper


Joined: 17/03/2010
Posts: 168

Message Posted:
15/12/2010 13:02

Are the Christmas turkey's feet Santa Claws?

Does a Christmas chicken sing "Oh comb all ye faithfull"?



I heard that Bernard Mattews wasn't actually cremated when he died recently, he was trussed, stuffed and cooked for 24 hrs at 220 degrees.

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
15/12/2010 13:08

m&b keep them coming hopefully old Dutch Cap will keep his promise, what was it oh yes, "This will be my last post on this forum" just like a bad penny

hattikins


Joined: 17/02/2008
Posts: 2793

Message Posted:
15/12/2010 14:01

Message 19

I bet you believe in Father Christmas too !!!