JOKE..school teacher and class

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
16/12/2010 17:24

The teacher decide one day to ask her piupils what they did for Xmas..



"mary,what do you do at Xma"

"We all go to church in the evening and sing carols then we come back and put the mince pies and a glass of sherry out for Santa thenwe go to bed.Next day we get up and find hat Santa has left us loads of toys"



Teacher asks a nother little boy same question,gets roughly the same answer.



Realising she has a Jewish child in the class,teacher asks little Manny what they do at Xmas



"Oh! same old t6hing.Get in the old mans Rolls Royce drive down to his big toy factory,Look at all the empty shelves and thank god for Xmas then we jet off to the Bahamas for a couple of months"

paddywack


Joined: 04/05/2009
Posts: 959

Message Posted:
16/12/2010 17:59

Nothing to beat an anti-semetic joke.

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 11:08

Mother shouting to her son to get up and get ready for school... "Cmon son get up"

(son) "mum do i have to..

(mum) yes you bloody do !!!

(son) aw Mum...

(mum) Cmon Get UP, its been the same every day NOW GET UP!!!

(son) Mum do i have to.....

(mum) YES, ...... YOUR THE HEADMASTER!!!

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 11:30

I miss those days at school, scrapping with the boys , smoking behind the bike sheds , having a sneaking grope with the girls behind the science block ....





I miss being a school caretaker ..........





















..

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 11:43

Many years ago my mother was very proudly telling her sisters and friends that I was the only boy in the whole school morning asssembly that could answer a question posed by the Head Master. When she found out the question was "who broke the window?" my life became hell !

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 17:49

Boy: "Do you want to play the fire engine game?"

Girl: "How do you play that?"

Boy: "My fingers are the fire engine and I drive up your legs. You say 'red light!' when you want me to stop."

Girl: "Okay, lets play."

After a few seconds...

Girl: "Red light!"

Boy: "Fire engines don't stop for red lights."

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 17:57

I said, "I've locked my keys in my car and my children are inside".

My neighbour said, "Do you have a spare set?".







I said, "Yeah, I've got two sons with my ex-wife".

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 18:07

A teacher is trying to get her students to come up with a story that has a moral.

"My grandma had seven eggs, but only five hatched. The moral is to never count your chicken before they've hatched." Says little Sharon

"I had a race with my big brother. He got tired too quickly and I won. The moral is slow and steady wins the race. Says little Simon

"My Uncle Jim was in Vietnam. His helicopter crashed behind enemy lines and all he had was a crate of beer, a knife, and a machine gun. He Drank all the beer, then killed thirty with the gun. Then that ran out of ammo, so he got the knife and killed fifteen. Then he killed the rest with his bare hands." Little Johnny says.

"And what is the moral in this?" Asks his teacher

Little Johnny replies "Never mess with Uncle Jim when he's pi**ed."

   

IbrahimAbi


Joined: 24/10/2010
Posts: 245

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 18:11

Little boy comes home from his first day at school.

'What lesson did you have today?' mum asked



'Geography'

Very good, where is India? she asked



i don't know but it can't be very far, coz there is an Indian girl in my class and she goes home for lunch'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 18:30

Little Johnny came downstairs very upset and crying.

' Whatever is the matter, ' asked his mother.

' Dad just hit his thumb with a hammer , ' replied Johnny.

' Don't get upset and cry,why don't you laugh instead, ' said his mother.

' I just did, ' said Johnny.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 18:32

A teacher spotted little Johnny drawing pictures.

She asks, "What are you drawing?"

"I'm drawing God," little Johnny replies.

The teacher paused and then says, "But nobody knows what he looks like."

"They will in a minute," he replies.    

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 18:47

A woman gets into a taxi and says, "To the airport please."



After 10 minutes, the driver looks back and says, "You know, You're the third pregnant woman i've driven there today.."



She replies, "Hey! Im not pregnant"



"Youre not at the airport yet either."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 20:26

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers yet.

"Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."



"Good, Johnny. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said.

"Three," replied little Johnny.



"Very good. What comes after five, Johnny?" asked the teacher.

"Six," answered little Johnny.



"Excellent. Your dad did a very good job.

Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.



"A Jack!" replied little Johnny.

Denny


Joined: 09/12/2010
Posts: 261

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 20:50

Little boy comes home from school with his annual report.



His dad asks: "What did you get for English, son?"



The boy replies: "I got 98%, dad."



"Only 98%, you lazy little b******," the father roars, taking off his belt.



"But dad," the boy weeps. "It's really hard to read Braille with a hook."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 20:50

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '



Johnny: I is..



Teacher: No, that's not correct Johnny. You should always say, 'I am.'



Johnny: Ok, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2010 20:52

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?



Johnny: Seven Sir



Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?



Johnny: Seven



Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?



Johnny: Six.



Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?



Johnny: Seven!!!



Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?!?!?



Johnny: Because I bloody have 1 at home!!!

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
19/12/2010 14:11

a friend of mine lives in canada and he sent me a mail telling me how bad the snow is where he lives.It was so bad that when he and his brothers went out in it they suddenly realised one of the brothers was missing.Eventually they found him on top of this huge snow drift.



"what you doing up there " yells my mate..



"Got my foot stuck in a chimney pot" came the reply!!!!!!!

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
19/12/2010 14:43

The Co-Op ran out of milk again because of the bad weather.









Thankfully Doreen, my elderly neighbour has loads of it piled up at her front door.........

nurseawful



Joined: 06/02/2009
Posts: 5934

Message Posted:
19/12/2010 15:35

Nice one Coachie the current weather obviously agreeing with you.



Merry Christmas to you and yours and Good Health in 2011.



Chris

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
20/12/2010 19:02

Nurseawful..We up here in the Stoke on trent area are faring quite well compared to most areas,get around very nicely at the moment but we are expecting another dose late wed,thurs.Went to the the local abbatoir this morning and stocked up with meat chicken etc dont intend to starve if it does get really bad.

Have a Very Merry Xxmas and and even better NewYear...

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
20/12/2010 19:32

Very good you lot. Getting them out of the christmas crackers early this year. Coachie a very happy xmas to you and your family. I hope you are not all stuck in for days. It looks very bad on the news reports. Happy chrismas all xxxx

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
21/12/2010 22:30

Lilli ..I am not bothered what happens now,freezer is full,booze cabinet well stocked,plenty of turkey etc,mince pies.My daughters all live locally and if they want to venture out and pay the old codgers a visit thats fine with me.



Have yourself a very merry Xmas and an even better New Year....

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
21/12/2010 23:06

I was walking down the street the other evening when out of nowhere five men started beating up my wife.

A passerby came running over to me. "Aren't you going to help?" He asked.









"No," I replied, "Five is enough"