Joke A little bit late but funny

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
07/01/2011 11:43

On the last day of school before Christmas Break, the children brought gifts to the teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor store owner's son brought up a box.

The teacher lifted it up an noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it, "Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No", the boy replied, she tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No', said the little boy...."It's a puppy.

BoTanica


Joined: 22/12/2009
Posts: 714

Message Posted:
07/01/2011 12:31

Very good!!

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
07/01/2011 15:35

Since it started snowing, all the wife has done is look through the window..if it gets any heavier i will have to let her in.....

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
07/01/2011 15:58

paddy says to mick..Christmas falls on a friday this year...Mick says..hope its not on the 13th

spider


Joined: 03/01/2009
Posts: 5527

Message Posted:
07/01/2011 16:35

) ) Keep the coming.....................









Spider,X

Markyboy



Joined: 05/06/2010
Posts: 228

Message Posted:
07/01/2011 16:37

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said, "remove cap and push up bottom."

I can hardly walk, but my farts smell lovely!!

Markyboy



Joined: 05/06/2010
Posts: 228

Message Posted:
07/01/2011 16:38

Tim and Ted are in the pub discussing the end of the world. "What would you do if the world was going to end in three hours?" asks Tim. "I'd go mad and sh*g everything that moved!" replies Ted, "What about you?" "I'd stand perfectly still!" replies Tim.

birdman



Joined: 20/09/2010
Posts: 690

Message Posted:
08/01/2011 08:33

I waqs told yesterday that I was addicted to brake fluid.

That's ridiculous !

I can stop anytime !

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
08/01/2011 13:08

WHAT IS A CALORIE?











Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at



night and sew your clothes tighter.



MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
08/01/2011 13:16

came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone !!! What sort of sick person does that to someones Advent calendar..

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
08/01/2011 13:32

Did you hear about the lonely prisoner...he was in his cell...........

Denny


Joined: 09/12/2010
Posts: 261

Message Posted:
08/01/2011 16:55

Mostae they gadgies' l' no' get that yin, Joak. Shouldae watched this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u80cirlQbRY

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
09/01/2011 09:39

regarding the lonely prisoner, he got done for murder...he killed a bloke with sandpaper...his plea...i only wanted to rough him up a bit.

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
09/01/2011 13:43

SAD ASHES CRICKET



Q. WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF OPTIMISM?

A. AN AUSTRAILIAN BATSMAN PUTTING ON SUNSCREEN!!



Q. WHAT WOULD RICKY PONTING BE IF HE WAS STILL IN THE TEAM?

A. A GRUMPY OLD MAN.



Q. WHAT IS THE MAIN FUNCTION OF THE TEAM COACH?

A. TO GET THE TEAM FROM THE HOTEL TO THR GROUND!!



Q. WHAT’S THE AUSTRAILIAN VERSION OF A HAT TRICK?

A. SCORING 3 SINGLES IN 3 BALLS.



Q. WHY DON’T AUSTRAILIAN FIELDERS TAKE TRAVEL INJECTIONS?

A. BESAUSE THEY NEVER CATCH ANYTHING.



Q. WHAT DOES ‘LBW’ STAND FOR IN THE AUSTRAILIAN ONE DAY SERIES?

A. LOST, BEATEN, WALLOPED!!



Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN AUSTRAILIAN WITH 100 AGAINST HIS NAME?

A. CAN’T REMEMBER.



Q. WHAT DOES ‘ACB’ STAND FOR?

A. AUSSIES CAN’T BAT.



Q. WHAT DO JUNKIES AND AUSTRAILIAN BATSMEN HAVE IN COMMON?

A. BOTH DON’T KNOW WHERE THEIR NEXT SCORE IS COMING FROM.

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
09/01/2011 14:48

did you hear about the Fat alcoholic Transvestite...all he wanted to do was ,Eat drink and be Mary...

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
09/01/2011 19:17

had a friend who hired an eastern European cleaner, it took her 5 hours to hoover the house...Turns out she is a Slovak...........

spider


Joined: 03/01/2009
Posts: 5527

Message Posted:
09/01/2011 19:38

Thanks all for a laugh today







Spider,X

Blackbird



Joined: 11/08/2009
Posts: 1432

Message Posted:
09/01/2011 20:35

Further to message 14:



Q...What do you call an Australian with Champagne?



A... A waiter...

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 13:22

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck

up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"



The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the

sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night

when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."



The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"



"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down."



The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"



The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the

carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my

owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.





"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 13:23

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

"I'm a humper", said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the

cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.

" Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away."





The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"



The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped."