Neg Nick "joke of the week" (warning - adult theme) .......

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 17:36

One from Garry Monger................





A level-crossing keeper worked from 6pm until 6am each day, when his mate would take over.



His mate turned up the next morning as usual and said "Did you have a good night?".



"Fantastic!". he replied.....



"What do you mean fantastic? It's the most boring job in the world".



"Well, you know we have to walk 200 yards up and down the track with a torch before we start the shift? Well, last night i did that and found this fantastic woman tied to the rails. She was wearing a basque, stockings and suspenders."



"What did you do?" said his friend.



"I untied her, took her back to the signal box, and spent the night making love......."



"any oral ??" his friend asked excitedly....



....



....



....



....



....



"Nah. I couldn't find her head anywhere..."

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 17:39

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.



'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.



'Not a chance,' she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'



'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'



It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.



The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'



'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.





Cont'd........

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 17:40

Nick,I cannot stop laughing

Thanks

Mike

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 17:40

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'



'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'



'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 17:42

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.



"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.



The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.



"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.



Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on it's head."

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 17:49

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy bitch busy.



I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.



My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak



I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.



After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.



A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."



Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I thi

jakki



Joined: 23/10/2007
Posts: 865

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 18:22

All very good - but I have to say



'...his pants a-bulging fiercely'



has to be the best thing I've heard this year!!!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 18:38

mess 6 - hats off - well done - won't be long before we get the Dutch "cut and paste" twaddle.............

yrret


Joined: 17/08/2010
Posts: 761

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 19:01

Police in Aberdeen are investigating how two skeletons came to be at the back of a 'pay on exit' bus in the town.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 19:07

Little Johnny was at school and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,

fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Johnny was being uncharacteristicall...y quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.



"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes

in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out

with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."



The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little johnny

aside to ask him if that was really true......................













"No" said johnny, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too

ashamed to say."

martinD41


Joined: 06/09/2010
Posts: 3001

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 20:50

Now come on NN you'l have our mate D.C. here any minute Heaven forbid! Personally I could read your stuff all night

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 21:13

mess 11 - why thank you D41 - do you want to play with my Jem 7V ???

AlsancakJack



Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 5762

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 21:32

Nick

Of course he would, anything is better than a D41.

martinD41


Joined: 06/09/2010
Posts: 3001

Message Posted:
11/01/2011 21:35

Now Now lets be friends ...

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/01/2011 06:33

mess 13 - the first "guitar" joke of 2011 - well done AJ................



But the Jem 7v has to be the best !



when the worlds best electric guitar player (Steve Vai) has a guitar made to his exacting standards and then it is put into production by one of the best guitar makers - it can only really be sensational ! - i'm looking at mine now as i type - its like a work of art...........

martinD41


Joined: 06/09/2010
Posts: 3001

Message Posted:
12/01/2011 08:23

Didn't Mr Snakes describe it as a "Gypsies Hand Bag"...I must admit for a mass produced replica it looks good

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/01/2011 09:09

mess 16 - he can describe it as what he likes ....



That's his opinion, and he's entitled to it....



Given a free choice, i went for the 7V and it screams like no other !



And of course - Steve Vai likes it, designed it and plays it - and he's the Daddy............





If in doubt - watch this:





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yw74sDWPH7U&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=MLGxdCwVVULXc0sOMEIV5yLRMtkQw_bbre

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/01/2011 09:11

then this:





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yw74sDWPH7U&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=MLGxdCwVVULXc0sOMEIV5yLRMtkQw_bbre

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/01/2011 09:15

or how about "smoke on the water" - like you've never heard it before (probably the best version of this classic EVER !):



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts4YHvJYQAI



With probably the 3 best electric guitar players on planet earth....

martinD41


Joined: 06/09/2010
Posts: 3001

Message Posted:
12/01/2011 09:42

Superb NN thanks ! Happy New Year..

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/01/2011 13:07

mess 20 - same to you martin - have a look at this - note the 12 string bass !





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VsMeDzCTGg&feature=related



And



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eyP_Ve73Es&feature=related





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2SYPzKzD94

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
13/01/2011 18:40

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in

the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.



He tries this a few more times with no success.



All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.



She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'



The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind.

Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
13/01/2011 19:59

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage.



"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its 'heart', take valves out, fix'em, put'em back in; and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a measly salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same kind of work?"



The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
13/01/2011 22:06

A policeman seeking to join the London Met's Firearms Department, is being interviewed.



The Commander doing the interview says: "Your qualifications look good, but there is an



attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."





Then, sliding a loaded service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go and



shoot twenty illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, sixty Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.







"Why the rabbit?" asks the policeman.



"Great attitude," says the Commander. "When can you start?"

birdman



Joined: 20/09/2010
Posts: 690

Message Posted:
13/01/2011 22:32

I see the Beckhams have only been back in London for 5 days and Posh is pregnant!

Bugger me, John Terry don't mess about does he ?

Personally I reckon she's just eaten an apple, skinny mooooo !