Neg Nick "joke of the week"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 19:09

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.



When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.



The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.



Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.



As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'



'No, love,' he replied.



"I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 19:55

Here comes Hans...

gooligan


Joined: 30/01/2007
Posts: 1591

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 19:57

) ) )

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 20:19

wasn't expecting that at all nn. Very good

cypgab


Joined: 09/01/2010
Posts: 338

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 22:28

Here comes Groucho more like.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 09:36

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.



The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.



The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a fecking clueless idiot...

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'



' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise '



Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'











The doctor replies ' Denephew '

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 10:19

Brilliant Nick still laughing "5 stars" DC can't have found these on google

Pipie


Joined: 05/01/2008
Posts: 5499

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 10:43

Just Brill Nick !!!!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 12:56

thank you.....................

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 14:36

The Altzheimers society now have a new super heroine, don't forget to look out for.....................





Wanderwoman

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 18:10

A woman had been on the game for years and finally settled down to get married . She was worried about the size of her 'bits' , so decided she would tell her new husband that she had caught it while cllimbing over a fence .

While making love with her new husband on their wedding night she thought evertyhing was going well until he asked ...

......Darling . How far across the field did you get before you realised you were snagged on the fence ?





The dog ran off tonight . I walked around the park looking for him for 20 minutes then gave up and went home without him . The missus said I should go out looking harder ...So I shaved my head and got a tattoo . Still couldn't find the dog though .





Whats all this about women been able to multi-task ? I just told the wife to sit down and shut up . Can she manage it ? Can she f**k.





I bought a memory stick for the wife . She hasn't forgotten my beer or meals since the first beating I gave her with it .





Thought for the day . Who

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 18:12

Thought for the day . Who picks up guide-dog poo ?





What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ?

Iron Man is a superhero . Iron Woman is simply an instruction .





Investigations underway by the RSPCA after 11 donkeys from Liverpool were slaughtered in Blackpool.





What's the difference between Roy Hodgson and Kenny Dalglish ? Fook all by the looks of it .





I braked hard but still hit the car in front . A cute little blonde got out of the car i'd hit and said ' Ram me up the arris why don't ya ' . And that your honour is where the confusion began .





Bloke walks into the VP and orders two double vodkas . Barman asks if he has a bad day .

Bloke says 'Yeah . Just found out my younger brother is gay' .

Next day he is back in and asks for four double vodkas .

Barman enquires what's gone wrong this time .

Bloke says 'Just found out my elder brother is gay' .

Next day he is back in and asks for six double vodkas .

Barman says ' FKinell . Does anyone in

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 18:13

Does anyone in your family like women?' .

To which the bloke replies ' Yes . My wife does' .





Bloke has an accident with a shotgun and gets a severe groin injury . After surgery the doctor tells him that although they have managed to salvage his penis there are still some problems with it ,and that he is going to refer him to his sister .

Bloke asks ' Is she a plastic surgeon ? ' .

Doc replies ' No . She plays the flute . She can teach you where to place your fingers so you can pi55 out of what's left' .





Was telling my mates down the pub that old joke about 'what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath ?...Throw your washing in with him' . A bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said ' That's not f*****g funny . My brother was epileptic and died in the bath '. I said ' Oh ! I am so sorry . Did he drown ?' He replied 'No . He choked on a sock.'





A girl calls her mother and says "Mum, I'm getting a divorce".

"Why?" the mother asks, shocked.

"Mum, all he ever w

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 18:14

"Mum, all he ever wants is anal sex. I used to have a lovely little bumhole the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece".

The mother says "Sweetie, you have a lovely home, a Porsche, a platinum credit card, a villa in Marbella, kids in private school and 6 holidays a year and you want to give all that up for the sake of 45p?"





A Scouser went on Dragon's Den the other night and showed them his Dad's old shotgun and Gamekeeper's bag.

Peter Jones said "and what's your idea?"

He replied "It's a simple concept, Peter, just put the money in the f**king bag"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 18:42

I'm so embarrassed............................









































...I got an Email from Screwfix today, they're telling me that they're actually not a dating agency.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 19:03

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 20:04

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

happyvally


Joined: 03/01/2011
Posts: 53

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 20:44

>

> Ann, Jan and Fanny.

>

> Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny.

> All 3 had big feet.

> Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13.

> Ann and Jan went on a double date.

> Amazed, -one of the boys said, "God, you two have big feet."

> Ann replied,

> "You think they're big,

> you should see our Fanny's,

> they're massive!"

>

>

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 20:48

Well if these have ben around or not I have cracked up at each of them. Thank you. Laughter is a great gift x

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
24/01/2011 05:36

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
24/01/2011 05:40

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, one's feet are killing one.' Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor but it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said

'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!



Meanwhile, back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh God darling, this one's even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
25/01/2011 02:42

says once a navy boy always a navy boy

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
25/01/2011 16:16

Three hillbillies were on the riverbank, fishing and sippin' a little shine.



The first one said, "I swear I am married to the dumbest woman in the county. She bought a TV and we don't even have electricity."



Second one said, "That's nothing, my wife just bought a washing machine and we don't have running water."



The third hillbilly said, "Mine's got both of yours beat. I was looking through her purse the other day. She had a package of rubbers in there and she doesn't even have a dick."