Neg Nick "joke of the week"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
31/01/2011 21:34

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:





1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're good to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
31/01/2011 21:39

An 85 year old man was requested by the doctor to give a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doc's office and gave him the jar which was clean, clear, and empty!The doc asked what happened and the old man began to explain:

" Well doc it's like this, 1st I tried it with my right hand, but nothing! Then I tried it with my left hand, still nothing! Then I asked my wife for some help. She tried it with her right hand, and then her left hand, but still nothing!Then she tried it with her mouth, once with her teeth in and once with her teeth out, and still nothing happened. My wife then called Arlene, our next door neighbor. She too tried it with each hand. She tried with an armpit and even tried putting it between her knees and squeezing as I worked my side of it, STILL NOTHING!

The doctor was shocked, your wife even asked your neighbor to hel

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
31/01/2011 21:44

The doctor was shocked, your wife even asked your neighbor to help???

The old man replied, " yep, and none of us could get that jar open!"

IbrahimAbi


Joined: 24/10/2010
Posts: 245

Message Posted:
31/01/2011 21:46

Can we continue or are we to guess?

IbrahimAbi


Joined: 24/10/2010
Posts: 245

Message Posted:
31/01/2011 21:50

A Mouse walked into a music shop and asked if they had a 'mouse organ'



'That's funny the assistant said,' you're the second mouse we have had in here today asking for a mouse organ'



'Oh, that must have been our Monica'



Not many of us do clean ones

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
31/01/2011 21:57

The wife asked me if her mother could come down for the weekend..i asked her why, she said..well she has been up on the roof for 2 weeks.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
31/01/2011 21:59

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here".



A time traveller walks into a bar.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
31/01/2011 22:02

If I had a pound for every time someone said I over exaggerated...



...then I will have £857,407    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
31/01/2011 22:04

I have such a good memory!



I cant remember the last time I forgot something    

YFred


Joined: 06/05/2009
Posts: 1471

Message Posted:
31/01/2011 22:28

I could never make my mind up, now I am not so sure.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
31/01/2011 22:45

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.    

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
01/02/2011 02:21

Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.



On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.



The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.



He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....



Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.



The doctor glared

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
01/02/2011 02:22

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"



"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."



The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...











The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just f##king with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

Enrico


Joined: 07/12/2008
Posts: 209

Message Posted:
01/02/2011 15:40

A man walked into a bar.







He said "Ouch".









It was an iron bar.





Yes the old ones are the best.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/02/2011 19:46

My new years resolution is to stop leaving things so late.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/02/2011 21:51

I used to suffer terrible from splinters.



I haven't got any in ages, touch wood.

YFred


Joined: 06/05/2009
Posts: 1471

Message Posted:
01/02/2011 21:53

I told you a million times not to exaggerate.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/02/2011 21:56

I took my 97 year old Grandad to a brothel last night for a treat,the madam went up to him & said "Hello young man, would you like some super sex?"

Grandad thought about this & replied "Soup!"

IbrahimAbi


Joined: 24/10/2010
Posts: 245

Message Posted:
01/02/2011 22:04

my old man was magic



Every time he walked down the street he turned into a bar

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/02/2011 22:15

I used to suffer with terrible flashbacks.



Luckily, they're a thing of the past.

YFred


Joined: 06/05/2009
Posts: 1471

Message Posted:
01/02/2011 22:59

But what happens if you go back to the future?

Jovial_John


Joined: 31/01/2009
Posts: 1024

Message Posted:
02/02/2011 05:57

It's pouring down. The wife is hammering on the front door and the dog is barking at the back. Which do you let in first?



















































The dog - at least it will shut up once it's inside.