Neg Nick "joke of the Week"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
17/07/2011 14:40

So this bloke's plummeting earthwards, struggling to open his parachute and quickly running out of altitude, when he spots five blokes coming quickly in the opposite direction.



"Do you know anything about parachutes?" he yells ...



Comes the reply .... "No, do you know anything about distilling vodka?"

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
17/07/2011 16:05

What's the biggest difference between men and women?



What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
17/07/2011 22:12

went to a bulimics disco yesterday......

.the place was heaving

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 18:27

Standing there, shaking, with a crazy stare in her tearful eyes, my wife looked down at the charred remains of her latest victim.



I held her tightly, and whispered into her ear...



"Never mind love. I'll treat us to a takeaway instead."    

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 18:55

Paddy goes to the chemists



"A packet of Pyrex please "



"I think you mean Durex sir"



"No, Pyrex.....I have a date with a hot dish"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 18:57

My neighbors Chris & Betsy, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.



I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!



It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:



"I wanna watch"

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 19:01

My mate showed me his new treatment for his Tourettes. It's a small crystal pyramid in his garden which he has to stand near when his condition gets bad.



He swears by it.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 19:21

) ) )

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 19:32

What do you do if You have a peanut stuck in your ear?????????



Pour some warm chocolate in.............





Comes out a treat.

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 20:37

I was at work yesterday when a

female colleague asked me what my ring

tone was. I said "light brown

like everyone else's". These women are

certainly more forward these

days.

gooligan


Joined: 30/01/2007
Posts: 1591

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 20:41

Took the dog for a walk,pooper scooper and nappy sacks at the ready when this bloke shouts "I hope you are going to pick that up"

I shouts back "Give me chance to wipe my bum first" )

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 20:41

My budgie

broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a

couple of

Swan Vesta's.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.



Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his

cage.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 20:42

Msg10, see



http://www.cyprus44.com/forums/68860.asp

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 21:01

The man who assaulted Rupert Murdoch with a pie has been arrested.



The police are holding him in custardy.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 21:20

I don't want to say my wife is fat because she will sit on me again.    

happyvally


Joined: 03/01/2011
Posts: 53

Message Posted:
20/07/2011 11:24

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.



The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the Cab.





"What's wrong with you,

haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"





"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be

proper, where I come from".



"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"



"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this

lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

R.C.T.Man.



Joined: 27/03/2009
Posts: 746

Message Posted:
20/07/2011 11:26

Nice one Riaz . !!

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
20/07/2011 13:56

I was in ecstasy with a smile on my face.

As my girlfriend moved forwards,

then backwards, then forwards again.

back and forth, in and out,

back and forth, in and out,

Her heart was pounding faster.

Her face was flushed and she started to grunt and groan.

Finally she screamed at the top of her voice...





"I CAN'T PARK THIS BLOODY CAR! YOU DO IT YOU SMUG GIT"

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
20/07/2011 20:12

My mate wanted to get a labrador



I said are you mad

have you seen how many owners go blind?