What is/was the best joke you know?

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
17/07/2011 23:51

As the title suggests what is your favourite joke

I know of NN ones

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
17/07/2011 23:53

Too rude to publish!



Richard

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
17/07/2011 23:54

Never a joke too bad



people perceptions just too narrow

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 00:25

I feel a ban coming on with this one, but this is a paste & copy from another member which had me in stitches; Tri-Nations starts next week so read no further if easily offended.





A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.



They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.



"What's that for?" the lady questions.



"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."



Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.



'What's that ?' the lady questions again.



"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."







Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.



The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"



The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!









It will say ADIDAS in a minute

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 00:34

good one



Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"



"Well, why don't you ask your sister?"



"But I don't have a..."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 00:40

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.    

0maintenance


Joined: 22/09/2010
Posts: 2179

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 01:05

It was one about buying a house.



I forget now how it goes!

SAFFI


Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 342

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 01:34

Not the best but cute curtesy of my Niece



How do you wake up lady gaga ?

SAFFI


Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 342

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 01:35

Answer is





Poke her Face !!

rowlo



Joined: 12/10/2008
Posts: 4796

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 01:40

msg7 , zero , if you look on amandas desk the answer will be on a sticky tab , usually yellow coloured lmfao .

SAFFI


Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 342

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 01:52

Rowlo.

What did you think of my 7 rear old nieces joke ?

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 01:58

Went to see my coloured friend the other day



All across his house was spray painted





I thought thats a bit too much



I've gone to the shops would have done !











Before anyone complains this was told to me by an ethnic gentleman



Part of post edited , just because it was told to you by an ethnic gentleman does'nt make it right ....... Simbas

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 02:03

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I've made". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's a planet and I've put life on it. I've named it Earth and there is a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here, I've put a continent of white people in the North called Europe and another one of black people in the South called Africa." The Archangel then said, "And what's that long white line there?" And God said "Ah , that's New Zealand, the land of the Long White Cloud and that's a very special place. Cont.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 02:06

Saw a Muslim fall into the Thames this morning and being the caring citizen I am I informed the emergency services. Its 6pm now and they still have not responded. I am starting to think I have wasted a 2nd class stamp.

rowlo



Joined: 12/10/2008
Posts: 4796

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 02:07

saffi msg11 , she tells good jokes , nice one .

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 02:26

Cont.

It is going to be the most glorious spot on Earth; beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coastline. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the World. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving,. And I'm going to give them this super human, undefeatable rugby team which will be blessed with the most talented and charismatic specimens on the Planet, and will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael, the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed, "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance." God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the irritating loudmouth, know-it-all, wankers I'm putting in the Country next to them!"



End of BALANCE, the title! Richard

lovinit


Joined: 20/06/2008
Posts: 745

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 04:33

3 mmm's it has to be, and the way he can destroy people's lively hood and the mods let him.



Thats got to be the best joke of all.

Hippo


Joined: 02/02/2007
Posts: 2070

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 07:17

A very sweeping statement -could you elaborate on which buisiness has been destroyed?

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 11:36

Is 3 m's only half the man he used to be?

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 11:41

Phil. Your request for jokes seems to have mainly fallen on stoney ground and is used by some who would rather have an argument. Why do 50p pieces have 7 heptagon edges ?













So that they can be removed from a Jewish Jock's fist with a spanner ! (Sorry if that does not raise a titter ! )

martinD41


Joined: 06/09/2010
Posts: 3001

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 11:48

Actually a normal open ended spanner, or ring spanner would not fit a Heptagon....... but it did make me titter

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 11:58

Would a large spanner/wrench used to render a blow to the head open a clenched fist ? Perhaps not if the fist and 50p belonged to a Jock !

eyebob


Joined: 22/06/2010
Posts: 143

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 13:20

Looked out my woindow this morning and saw a Paki get flattened by a lorry! I thought, that could have been me, I can drive a lorry!

eyebob


Joined: 22/06/2010
Posts: 143

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 13:22

Phoned in work this morning,told the boss I was sick.He said how sick are you? I said, Well, I`m in bed with my handicapped sister!

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 14:32

I have got plenty of really good jokes... but am I the only one who is slightly taken aback by the percentage of jokes that involve 'niggers', 'pakis', 'muslims' etc or is there some local ex-pat subculture I'm fortunate enough not to be a member of?

Sorry to be a bit of a kill joy but it seems to paint an uncomfortable picture of what most 44 members seem to tolerate as harmless fun on a (very) public forum.... keep it for your immediate friends



Ready to take the accusations of being a humourless git... but better than being an hilarious racist

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 14:54

Please be advised, i am becoming fed up recieving txts about my dog Fido after he savaged 4 smackheads, 3 Pikeys, 2 Jehovah witnesses and a Pakistani taxi driver.

For the last time He is NOT for sale!

JohhnyLee


Joined: 25/04/2009
Posts: 2495

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 14:59

My Dianna Ross Joke, Could never tell it on here or in public (unless it was an adults only evening)



Also it is about 5 minutes long.

dandd3


Joined: 10/06/2010
Posts: 326

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 15:14

Two guys decied to go and play golf. When they get to the corse there are two caddies waiting for them. So they tee of and eventualy get to the 9th hole. One caddie says to the first guy what do you do for a living ? the guys relpies im a buisness man. He then asks the second guy. The second guys replies im a hit man, I bring my rifle with me everywere look in my golf bag. So the caddie finaly gets enough corage to look . Just like he said there was a snipper rifle In his bag. The caddie asks how far can you see with the scope , The hitman replys 2 km. Caddie reply my house is 1 km away do u recond i could borrow you riffle to see if i can see my house. Hitman reply yeah sure but be carefull. The caddie picks up the rifel, hey look he says theres my house i can see trew my bedroom window, one minute theres my wife shes nakes :S omg theres my neighbour in my room hes naked aswell. So he turns to the hitman and says how much do you charge per shot. Hitman relpys con......

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 15:15

A massive mob of pensioners staged a march to the gates of Downing Street making a useless protest about poor pensions and ageism. They chanted their much rehearsed Mantra:



Wot do we want ?

"GOD KNOWS" ?

When do we wannit ?

"WANT WOT" ?

dandd3


Joined: 10/06/2010
Posts: 326

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 15:16

5 grand a shot. So the caddie accepts and says i want you to shoot 2 times. I want you to shoot my wife in the mouth and me neighbour in the penis to teach them a leson. The hitman accepts lays down on the ground and takes aim. % minutes go by and the caddies ask what are you waiting for hurry up and take the shot. The hitman replys Look mate hold on a second im doing you a favour gunna hit both in one shot :D :D :D D

eyebob


Joined: 22/06/2010
Posts: 143

Message Posted:
18/07/2011 20:02

Post edited under Rule 3.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
19/07/2011 01:31

My mate asked me "what ring tone do you have?"



I replied "hmmm, I've never checked, but probably a light brown!"

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
23/07/2011 19:43

Any more ?

bazzagirl


Joined: 09/05/2010
Posts: 525

Message Posted:
23/07/2011 21:53

Great laugh thanks, and thanks for your good old english sense of humour x

bigOz


Joined: 29/09/2010
Posts: 1244

Message Posted:
23/07/2011 22:21

This foreign visitor from the East managed to travel all the way to London on camel back, bar the channel ferry crossing. He finally reached central London, and could not resist getting off the camel to enter a strip club in Soho. He tied his camel to a parking meter and inserted enough coins for 2 hours. When he finally came out, the camel was gone! So he ran to the first policeman he saw at the end of the road.

- Sir, sir! Excuse me but someone has stolen my camel!

Looking suspiciously at this funny looking man in his native outfit, the good old bobby kept his cool and taking out his notebook started taking down some particulars;

- What colour was you camel sir?

- Well, you see officer, My eyesight is no good and I was never sure of it's color

- OK... so did it have two humps or one hump?

- Oh I don't know, I was looking straight ahead all along my travels so I never bothered to count

Getting a little annoyed now the police nervously asked,

- Was it a male or a female camel?

bigOz


Joined: 29/09/2010
Posts: 1244

Message Posted:
23/07/2011 22:28

The immediate response was:

- Oh indeed, it was definitely a female! Yes sir, it sure was!

Looking at him with disgust, the policeman raised his voice,

- You have a bad eyesight, you never look what's on or behind the camel because you look straight ahead, how can you be so cocksure the ruddy thing was a female?

- You see sir, I am sure because we were passing through Leicester Square earlier on, when I clearly heard this lad shout out "Hey! Look at that c*nt on the camel!"

Ballyboffin


Joined: 25/08/2007
Posts: 903

Message Posted:
23/07/2011 22:57

Welshman, Scotsman Englishman and Irishman are working on the roads and as they are digging they find an old lamp. They all look at each other and say "It couldn't be, could it?" For a laugh, they all give the lamp a rub............ and the genie appears.



He says that he will grant them all one wish, but it must be only for the good of their own country. The Welshman says...



I wish that the pasture in my country would be lush so that our sheep are the best meat. Phooff! and it is so.



The Scotsman wishes that the rivers and lochs would be teeming with the biggest fish..Phooff and it is so.



The Englishman asks for a wall to be built around the counties of England big enough to keep out those Welsh, Scots and Irish B@st@rds.... Phooff and it is so.



Paddy thinks for a long time for he can't think of anything that make it better in God's Own Country.



At last he says to the genie. 'Tell me about that wall around England' ????????????????????????????????

Ballyboffin


Joined: 25/08/2007
Posts: 903

Message Posted:
23/07/2011 23:05

Contin..



The genie says, It is 40 feet tall and 20 feet thick and made of the finest stone.





Paddy says, after thinking again.. 'And we can't get in and they can't get out?'



The genie now impatient, agrees, yes that is so.



The Irishman says then my wish is.........................







FILL IT UP WITH WATER !

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
24/07/2011 17:36

My wife accused me of having absolutely no sense of direction. Honestly, I was so disgusted I just packed my things and right.