Joke:- The Nun !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 13:22

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.

He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"







"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and Gets off at the next stop.







The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"







"Yeah?", says the hippie.







"Yeah!", say the bus driver.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray,

So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,

Put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard,

And pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."







The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery

Dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.







"I am God," he declares to the nun,

Keeping the hood low about his Face.

"Have sex with me."







The nun agrees without question,

But begs him to restrict himself to anal sex,

As she is desperate not to lose her virgini

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 13:23

The nun agrees without question,

But begs him to restrict himself to anal sex,

As she is desperate not to lose her virginity.







'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes,

He jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.







"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"







"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

steve.sewell


Joined: 07/11/2011
Posts: 277

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 13:30

Now that is a good joke..

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 14:39

A really old joke. Indeed, the clue is in the joke ("..a hippie gets on a bus").



new ones please!!!

decanddyl


Joined: 17/01/2009
Posts: 792

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 17:33

Johnny Rotten and id Vicious walking down the Chelsea High Street



Sid turns to Johnny and say "Hey mate what would you go if a bird sh-t on your head"



Johnny "Wouldn't go out with her again"



Old Old Old

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 17:51

I thought that nuns go around in pairs to ensure that each nun don't get none !

wattys


Joined: 07/10/2008
Posts: 278

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 18:36

Two nuns riding bikes down a cobbled street, one says to the other I'v never come this way before.

Ed1957


Joined: 03/09/2011
Posts: 377

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 19:16

Two nuns in a bath one says to the other 'where's the soap?'



reply ' so it does'

Blackbird



Joined: 11/08/2009
Posts: 1432

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 19:50

Nice one TopTen I hadn't heard it before....still chuckling....Thanks...

jacroy1


Joined: 04/08/2010
Posts: 127

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 19:52

It was a hot day outside..so the three nuns decided to take off there clothes and bolt the door to there church.



Since there was stain glass windows, nobody could see inside, and the door was locked.



The nuns were busy doing renovations when a Thud Thud Thud hit the door.



The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, when she asked "Who is it"?



The reply from behind the door was "Its the blind man".



The 3 nuns looked relieved when they heard he was the blind man, no sight no problem they figured, and let him in.



Upon opening the door, in entered a burly man in coveralls and said "Holy shit sister nice tits!! ... Where do you want your blinds? "

foxylad


Joined: 01/11/2011
Posts: 56

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 20:03

and the mullah said i am having nun of it.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 21:57

TopTen - Top Joke. )

newlad



Joined: 02/03/2008
Posts: 7819

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 23:00

Chuckle muscles are still chuckling t.t.,



Paul.

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 23:05

This Irishman buys his girlfriend some flowers....he knocks on her door..she answers, looks at the flowers kisses him passionately..pulls him in to her sitting room, lies back on the settee, opens her legs and says to him this is for the flowers.

No he says don't be silly..... they go in a vase.........

newlad



Joined: 02/03/2008
Posts: 7819

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 23:14

Someone sent me that on an e mail today Jock,i think you may know him.Usually talks out of his a***



Paul.

iceman


Joined: 15/08/2008
Posts: 724

Message Posted:
16/11/2011 23:15

Superior Irish Pubs



As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."



"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."



"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"



The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they ask, "Did this actually happen to you?"



"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 10:09

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in

the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My

God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of

Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and

drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking

him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God!

The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely

gone! It's A Miracle.'

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 10:10

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

reyntj


Joined: 26/01/2011
Posts: 229

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 11:25

a flasher flashes to two nuns one faints the other has a stroke

Harold2555



Joined: 19/04/2008
Posts: 1139

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 17:43

a novice priest is posted to a town wwhere there is a large convent on the hill outside. To get to it he has to travel through the red light district. One Friday night he has urgent business at the convent with the mother superior so sets out to walk to the convent. as he passes through the red light district a lady of the night calls to him "Fancy a quickie for £5?" The young priest, oblivious to the ways of the world walks on quickly. 100 yards further on another lady calls "Fancy a quickie for £5?" He rushes by and continues on his way to be accosted once again with the same "Fancy a quickie for £5?"



Mercifully he eventually leaves town and makes his way to the convent for his meeting with mother superior who offers him advice and promises to answer any quetions about the town for him.



the young priest pauses for a moment and says "well there is one thing i wanted to ask, What's a quickie?"



the mother Superior looks at him with an astonished look and says:

Harold2555



Joined: 19/04/2008
Posts: 1139

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 17:43

It's a fiver, the same as in town!

iceman


Joined: 15/08/2008
Posts: 724

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 18:18

Phone rings,



woman answers.



The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "Have you got a tight, unshaven c**t?"



Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching telly - who shall I say is calling?"

newlad



Joined: 02/03/2008
Posts: 7819

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 18:44

A penguin goes into a pub



And says to the barman



Have you seen our kid



barman says,dont know whats he look like,



Paul.

jimbob433



Joined: 26/06/2008
Posts: 102

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 18:49

here is agood joke to play on ladies

how long can you keep a chicken in the freezer

you will get numerous answers what star is the fridge

about three months etc when all answers finished

you say thats funny i put one in last night and the bloody things dead

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 19:49

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your habit? I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,

"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a hairy pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 19:52

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.



"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."



"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it,"snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"



"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 19:53

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"



"Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"



"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother...........

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/11/2011 19:53

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.



"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"



Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"

bignobby


Joined: 13/01/2011
Posts: 46

Message Posted:
18/11/2011 12:51

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS





A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.





After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.







She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.







'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog





They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'



'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.







'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.



The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...



No more blow jobs for her!



She bought the frog.







When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!...



The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.



In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

BULLFROGS

bignobby


Joined: 13/01/2011
Posts: 46

Message Posted:
18/11/2011 12:52

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.



'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.



The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone.'

Jovial_John


Joined: 31/01/2009
Posts: 1024

Message Posted:
18/11/2011 13:14

In revenge the woman went back to the shop and asked if he sold bullfrogs that did cunnilingus. "Actually I do" he said, "they are even more popular than the blowjob bullfrogs". She bought one.

The next day she was back very disappointed. "It did nothing" she said, "I stripped off, lay on the bed, placed the frog in a strategic position - and NOTHING, it just sat there".

"That's strange" said the pet shop man, "just lay on that table there like you did last night".

So the woman repeats the previous night's performance and again the frog just sits there.

"OK" said the pet shop man to the frog, "I'll show you one more time"

dorothea


Joined: 28/06/2010
Posts: 93

Message Posted:
18/11/2011 14:59

Three pregnant nuns went to Mother Superior and said benidictus

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
19/11/2011 16:42

Did you hear about the homosexual ghost...he gave everyone the willies...

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/11/2011 18:36

Paddy is doing some roofing for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says," I tink I will ave to go home I've gone all giddy and I feel sick."

Murphy: " Ave yer got vertigo Paddy"

Paddy: " No I only live round the corner"    

jimbob433



Joined: 26/06/2008
Posts: 102

Message Posted:
19/11/2011 19:29

paddy and mick are in prison when paddy decides to escape how will do it asked mick ill shine atorch up the wall and you climb up the beam ohhh no says mick ill just get halfway up and youl switch the torch offf

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/11/2011 19:30

I think re-opening the case into Natalie Wood's death after all these years is going overboard.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/11/2011 19:36

Robinson Crusoe and Man Friday are lying under a palm tree on their lonely island.



"If we ever get back to England," says Robinson, "we'll have to tell a slightly different story, don't you think, Friday, darling ...?"    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/11/2011 19:38

Oh No, just got the decorations down from the loft and found one of the kids pressies from last xmas in amongst them all,must of forgot all about it, gutted we forgot to give them it..



They would have loved a little puppy.    

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
19/11/2011 20:37

Paddy decides to marry his girlfriend.He goes to the priest and asks him "How can I be sureshe is a virgin?

The priest says "Get a tub of blue paint and a tub of red,and a shovel.

Paint 1 testicle blue,the other red.

When she says"bloody hell,I haven't seen balls that colour before"





Hit her with the shovel !!!

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
20/11/2011 09:58

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream & shouts: "Ey up

cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an

cow shite."





The bloke says: "Sir, I am from Pakistan, can you be speaking clearer, and

slower please"





The farmer replies: "If.... you.... use.... two.... hands.... you....

won't.... spill ....any"

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
21/11/2011 07:49

Like the Buddhist said to the hot dog vendor...



"Make me one with everything"

NCMan



Joined: 19/09/2009
Posts: 670

Message Posted:
21/11/2011 11:25

My Badge





The other day I needed to go to the local NHS hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.



When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the badge. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.





UK

Border & Immigration,

Agency.





















It also works at all supermarkets. It saves me hours.



At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running!





Don't try it at McDonald's though..... The whole staff disappeared and I never got my order !!!!!





Also.......... never wear it while trying to get a taxi !!

Millwall123


Joined: 02/08/2011
Posts: 61

Message Posted:
21/11/2011 15:57

Sepp Blater has apologised for suggesting that racist arguments can be settled with a hand shake.



He meant a high five.

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
23/11/2011 10:13

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win the lottery.'

'What's dat?' says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut.' says Paddy

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
23/11/2011 10:16

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit



juice and coffee?"



He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"



He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."



Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?



Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"



He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."







"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."