JOKE: The Xmas Letter

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:30

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 14

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:31

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 15

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

________________________________________

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:32

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 16

Dearest John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:32

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 17

Dearest John:

Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?

Affectionately,

Agnes

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:33

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 18

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

Love,

Agnes

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:34

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 19

Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:34

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 20

John:

What's with you and those f**king birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!

Sincerely,

Agnes

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:35

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 21

OK Buster!

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house..

Just lay off me, smartass!

Agnes

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:35

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 22

Hey Shithead:

What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!.

You'll get yours!

Agnes

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:36

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 23

You Rotten Prick!

Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm sticking the police on you.

One who means it!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:36

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 24

Listen F**khead:

What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:37

Law Offices.

Badger, Bender & Cajole

303 Knave Street

Chicago, Ill.

December 25.

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender & Cajole

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:48

Letter From Santa

Dear Gordon

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good

this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some

goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of

Christmas," but we have had a little problem up here. The Twelve

Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten

Ladies Dancing. The Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight

Maids of Milking, and the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for

doing weird things Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle

Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird

shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of

my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation and

some dumb-ass has scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,



Santa

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:52

Politically Correct Rudolph

Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...

Translation: Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate,

Original: Had a very shiny nose ...

Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon lustre.

Original: And if you ever saw him ...

Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever came into your view,

Original: You would even say it glows ...

Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities.

Original: All of the other reindeer ...

Translation: The multitude of other members of the population in his

ecological community,

Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...

Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him

unspeakable pseudonyms -- the objective of which was to lower his self-esteem

and make him miserable.

Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...

Translation: They also e

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:54

Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...

Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities

consistent with their species.

Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ...

Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified

year...

Original: Santa came to say ...

Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture

(who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children)

arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.

Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...

Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary nasal

characteristic.

Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express

purpose that he navigate through the nocturnal mist.

Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...

Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members of the

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:54

Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ....

Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members of the population

in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,

and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward

Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship.



Original: And they shouted out with glee ....

Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor,



Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...

Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage,



Original: You'll go down in history!

Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time, and

your memory will be preserved for posterity!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:56

Last Moment Gift

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an

unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named

Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man

asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this." was the shop

owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then

Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."



The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as

quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she

was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"



"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."



So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:57

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot,

as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then

moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy

Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the

lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered,

eager to please his wife..

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared

his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of

his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:59

Law Suit Against Santa!

The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was

bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil

rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that,

"Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has

been putting that information in a vast database. The information

is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization

to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is

obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have

alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company

information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has

been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the

free expression of beliefs."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:00

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which

reads, in part:.



You better watch out.

You better not cry.

You better not pout.

I'm telling you why.

Santa Claus is coming to town.



He sees you when you are sleeping

He knows when you're awake,

He knows when you've been bad or good

So be good for goodness' sake.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:00

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, which was obtained from a worker in the

distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, ". . . clearly shows

a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression

and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of

the information. What would be the result of such a database being made

available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?"

Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were

investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast

conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside Justice

stated, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are

involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for

the State in return for a lighter sentence."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:01

In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI

on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records

do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes

on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all

of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and

local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr.

Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from

around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be

taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of

children."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:02

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of

the United States or any country which the United States currently has an

extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it

is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the

charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the

courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will

discover they have no basis."



Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending

charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:06

At a works Christmas party , a couple of the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else.

When he went to the toilet they went through his wallet and found his Lotto ticket. Then they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out (you can guess that he had picked the lot - including the supplementary!), and left the numbers on the table.The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.

After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket, and checked the numbers again very carefully. Then he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room:

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:06

"I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a fucking shit-load of money, and I'm leaving...!"

End of job. End of marriage. End of story.

gibson335


Joined: 01/11/2008
Posts: 325

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 16:03

Doyen



Love the 12 days of christmas letters

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 23:01

hi no 1ove them love them where the hell did you get them all from , its a scarey thought though in this day of p c it could actually be possible, keep them coming especiallly the 12 days been looking for a theme now ive got one love to you xxx lilli

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 23:05

No1Doyen,



Its nice to be home, albeit for a fleeting visit! Keep up the good work!



wyn

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 23:12

I hope it helps everyone get into the Xmas spirit ( even though it's still 20 days away)