Happy Christmas (War Is Over)

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
13/12/2008 07:26

Dear Friends, As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year.



I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.



Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.



But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs.



Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.



cont...

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
13/12/2008 07:26

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.



I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.



I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a hijacker won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.



I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a food sample and rob me.



I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.



I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown Violin spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.



cont....

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
13/12/2008 07:29

I can't even pick up the five quid I found dropped in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg.



If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on your head and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a most unsightly hairy hump.



I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and it was on BRT.



By the way.... did you know that a South African scientist has, after a lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.



Oh don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
13/12/2008 15:42

And there was I waiting for Bill Gates' cheque... Oh well, it's another pair of slippers for the wife this Xmas then!



You've ruined my Xmas Gavin.

ROBnJO


Joined: 30/06/2008
Posts: 1289

Message Posted:
13/12/2008 16:51

Groucho



So,... all in all,... one of your better years?

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
13/12/2008 16:59

Well, I've now put a filter on my incoming mail to send straight to junk any mail that contains the words..



hospital

money

gift

life

death

please

danger

Coca-Cola

Nigeria

opportunity

Investment

selected

lifetime

RedSnapper


Joined: 12/08/2008
Posts: 540

Message Posted:
13/12/2008 19:02

You`ve forgotten Pike...

ronaldo


Joined: 14/11/2007
Posts: 372

Message Posted:
13/12/2008 19:10

and suzzane

tonni


Joined: 07/12/2008
Posts: 178

Message Posted:
13/12/2008 22:32

lol,,,,,lets hope 2009 is kinder to you groucho.

cyprusishome


Joined: 31/03/2007
Posts: 2381

Message Posted:
14/12/2008 00:09

Groucho you are real whinge!!!!!!



You live in a great little country, lots of other whingers to debate with..... oh why bother!!!!!!!!



Gavin, despite all the issues around us all we are all happy here and will not be going back to...... eermmm..........!!!??????

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
14/12/2008 08:40

Where in my post does it whinge about Cyprus?



David, are you reading the right thread?



I'm making a joke about scaremonger emails, chain emails, email scams and emails begging for money... nothing about where I'm living..



It's a joke... and just in case you didn't get that, I'll put it this way so you do understand...It's a joke...

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
14/12/2008 15:46

I'm laughing, I'm laughing,

hattikins


Joined: 17/02/2008
Posts: 2793

Message Posted:
14/12/2008 15:52

Here is an email I received.



A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor, continued.

hattikins


Joined: 17/02/2008
Posts: 2793

Message Posted:
14/12/2008 15:55

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.



Merry Christmas, War is Over.

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
14/12/2008 20:56

Very good posts, Groucho & hattikins - I would like to copy & send them

on to others, as they did make me laugh - o.k. I laugh quite easily!

hattikins


Joined: 17/02/2008
Posts: 2793

Message Posted:
14/12/2008 21:51

Hi Phyllis,

Best medicine you can have, at least that's what my parents used to tell me, what did they say, laugh and the world laughs with you.

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
14/12/2008 22:01

My dad used say. He who laughs last thinks slowest!