jus' jokin' 'onestly guv

layby_lil



Joined: 13/11/2009
Posts: 141

Message Posted:
07/03/2012 16:50

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."





The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

snakes



Joined: 28/10/2008
Posts: 1512

Message Posted:
07/03/2012 18:52

Nice one Mike ! I was goin to tell them at my next gig ! That reminds me !! the "Egg" joke cheers Barry

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
07/03/2012 19:01

It was my girl's big day and everyone was tense, so I decided to use humour as I addressed the reception:



"I don't feel like I'm losing a daughter" I said, looking towards her fiancé, "But like I'm gaining a spare room".



No one laughed.



It was probably the poor acoustics in the crematorium.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
07/03/2012 19:08

After year's of trying to find the wifes G spot,





I found it at last (Her sister had it all along)

JohhnyLee


Joined: 25/04/2009
Posts: 2495

Message Posted:
07/03/2012 19:16

If you can't beat em join em.



We found a little stray puppy, Its mainly Black with brown patches and a little white bit. We've called it Birmingham.

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
07/03/2012 19:17

Phil - just post the link to sickipedia.. it'll save you lots of time typing it all out...

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
07/03/2012 19:19

Only joking Phil..keep 'em coming (but not too sick please!)

astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
07/03/2012 19:25

OP Pretty good racism and sexism in the same breath!

timaloy


Joined: 30/06/2011
Posts: 171

Message Posted:
07/03/2012 19:47

message on an iphone



hello babe how are you xx

im well ,im a bit tired going to bed early ,were are you xx



in the nightclub.....behind you

Jonholmes


Joined: 08/11/2011
Posts: 184

Message Posted:
07/03/2012 23:01

President Obama decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Obama sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Obama says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

obama says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Obama turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'

timaloy


Joined: 30/06/2011
Posts: 171

Message Posted:
07/03/2012 23:10

bloke reads an advert for a talking dog,he thought ,ill have some of that

visits the bloke and asks to see it,dog appears,can it talk asks the buyer,

ask it says the vendor

can you talk rover ,he asks

sure i can ,i can also do maths and physics,the buyer is amazed,dog carrys on

and ive appeared in hollywood films,helped during the balkans war,dragged 3 wounded soldiers to safety and helped find 2 kidnapped kids



brilliant the buyer says,but why are you selling him,





because hes a fukin liar!!!

lesshaw42



Joined: 21/01/2009
Posts: 101

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 04:48

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil

by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale

lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.

"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.

"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must

confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan.

"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister,

your best friend and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

lesshaw42



Joined: 21/01/2009
Posts: 101

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 04:50

Little Johnny is playing in the woods with his little friend Jenny

when she turns to him and asks if he knows what a penis is.

Johnny, unable to answer tells her to wait while he runs home to

ask his dad. He bursts in through the front door to find his dad

laying on the sofa watching TV.

"Dad! dad, do you what a penis is dad, do you ?" Johnny demands of

his father.

The father stands, whips out his member and says "This, my boy, is

a penis and as a matter of fact it's a perfect penis".

Johnny dashes back out through the door towards the woods to share

his new found knowledge with little Jenny.

"Did you find out ?" she asks on his return.

"Yes I did" he gasps, still a little out of breath "here, I'll

show you

"There you go" he proclaims proudly, lowering his shorts to his

ankles, "That's a penis, and if it was two inches shorter it would

be perfect!"

lesshaw42



Joined: 21/01/2009
Posts: 101

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 04:53

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,

spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked

him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have

spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses,

mending fences. I guess I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about

women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I

eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of

women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out

that I'm a lesbian."

lesshaw42



Joined: 21/01/2009
Posts: 101

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 04:55

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway

seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was

plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was

sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and

began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and

said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked

women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his

paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and

apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."