Jokes - I'm not sure if I've heard these before but

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
13/03/2012 08:41

Guy goes to a psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist says, "You're crazy!"

"I want a second opinion!"

"All right, you're ugly!"



A carpenter dies and goes to heaven and tells St. Peter he is looking for his son.

His description of the son matches Jesus.

The son appears. "Father?" says the son.

"Pinocchio!" says the father.

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 21:22

A little boy is making love to his younger sister.



'You do it better than Dad does'! Coos his sister.



'D'ya know, Sis - that's just what Mum says!'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 21:42

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."



He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."

Esentepe7


Joined: 19/04/2009
Posts: 34

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 22:49

Message 2



It's old and quite sick.



I am sure you can do a lot better.

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 09:00

Esentepe7: 'I am sure you can do a lot better.'



Sure I can - but I'm afraid a 'CY44 'lifetime ban' would probably be the result!!!

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 09:35

They sent my census form back!! In answer to the question 'Do you have any dependants you're paying for?' I put 'MPs, Asylum seekers, Gypos, smack heads, paedophiles, prisoners, the cast of the Jeremy Kyle show, Northern rock, RBS. Greece, Portugal, Ireland and half of f--kin Eastern Europe.

LaptaGeezer


Joined: 01/06/2010
Posts: 407

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 10:06

Msg 6...... Spot on!!!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 15:40

Ateenage boy had just got his driver's license and inquired of his father

as to when they could discuss his 'use of the car'.



His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

 

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.  Then we'll talk about the car!"



The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 15:41

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up

and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm

disappointed you haven't got your hair cut!?"



The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've

noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,  John the

Baptist had long hair,  Moses had long hair... and there's even strong

evidence that Jesus had long hair! "



To this, his father replied,

 

'Didyou also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

TUTOR4U


Joined: 05/06/2007
Posts: 80

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 16:45

Beautiful woman enter the doctors surgery,



Doctor says "Take all you clothes off, I want to examine you",



Woman says "where shall I put my clothes?"



Doctor says "On top of Mine"

Jonholmes


Joined: 08/11/2011
Posts: 184

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 17:16

I went around to my african mates house , all over the front door was sprayed niggers out , I thought a simple note saying he had gone shopping would be better .

Sandford


Joined: 17/12/2011
Posts: 133

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 18:29

Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."

Wife: "You wear pants, don't you?"



Husband: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."

Wife: "Well, you succeeded."





Husband: "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"

Wife: "I would, but you are never there!"



Husband: "Want a quickie?"

Wife: "As opposed to what?"



Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"

Wife: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I lie on the sofa and fart."

Jonholmes


Joined: 08/11/2011
Posts: 184

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 18:42

I was told it is important to speak to your wife after sex , that's why I bought a mobile phone

Sandford


Joined: 17/12/2011
Posts: 133

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 23:12

Three Scousers and three Geordies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Geordies each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Geordie.



"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scousers.



They all board the train. The Geordies take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.



He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.



The conductor takes it and moves on.



The Geordies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that).

Sandford


Joined: 17/12/2011
Posts: 133

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 23:17

(cont)



When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Geordie.



"Watch and you'll see," answers a Scouser.



When they board the train, the three Geordies cram into a restroom and the three Scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.



Shortly afterward, one of the Scousers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Geordies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

Jonholmes


Joined: 08/11/2011
Posts: 184

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 23:21

A friend of mine said for his stag night (polite version) he wanted to be pissed and surrounded by tits and arses, so I bought him 6 tins of stella and a ticket to anfield.