Good Excuse........

yorgozlu



Joined: 16/06/2009
Posts: 4437

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 15:37

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights.



He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb.



The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."



The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

dippersgirl



Joined: 04/05/2010
Posts: 795

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 20:11

))))))))))

billyboy1


Joined: 01/06/2009
Posts: 590

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 20:22

good one, made me smile...

rejela


Joined: 09/02/2011
Posts: 293

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 21:44

Yorgozlu, good one but you really think that the cop would have taken 3 weeks to bring her back to you!

rowlo



Joined: 12/10/2008
Posts: 4796

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 21:55

nice yorgo ,he must have been an expat cop lmao.

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 15:23

And the definition of a 'quickie' is:



A Lamborghini double parked outside a 'nightclub' with the driver's door open and the engine running!

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 18:08

The Wildebeest (bless her) tries to protect me from the Police. I was stopped by the police who said that I had driven at 100 kph in a 50 kph zone with two wheels on the pavement, also ignoring two red lights. When I was asked if I had been drinking, Wilde interceded with "Of course he has you prune as 'e aint no stunt driver". When I was caught going the wrong way up a street and the police said "this is a one way street" Wilde told them "no problem then, he was only going one way". When stopped for jumping 4 red lights and colliding with all the lamps and bollards at a roadworks, knocking them into a ditch, Wilde offered the plea of mitigation, "Give it a break, he has potted all the reds and now you have stopped him from potting more colours". I have asked Wilde for a birthday present of a passenger ejector seat !

Smity



Joined: 14/09/2009
Posts: 826

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 20:17

I can't wait for the see through base ball bat to arrive off easy



Then my noisy next door neighbour won't know gets hit him

Jonholmes


Joined: 08/11/2011
Posts: 184

Message Posted:
15/03/2012 22:29

Sorry Smity do not understand the joke, I apologise if english is not your first language .

Smity



Joined: 14/09/2009
Posts: 826

Message Posted:
16/03/2012 12:16

Try again this time in my native tongue



I can't wait for the see through base ball bat to arrive off ebay



Then my noisy next door neighbour won't know whats hit him

yrret


Joined: 17/08/2010
Posts: 761

Message Posted:
16/03/2012 13:46

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again.

yorgozlu



Joined: 16/06/2009
Posts: 4437

Message Posted:
16/03/2012 14:07

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little...



As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.



Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going boy?"



Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"



"67 mph, boy! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.



"If you already knew" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"



Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"



The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"



Bob answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!"



The cop leaned in the

yorgozlu



Joined: 16/06/2009
Posts: 4437

Message Posted:
16/03/2012 14:08

cont.



The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"



"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.



"What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.



"I'm a rectum stretcher!"



The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."



The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"



Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
16/03/2012 14:25

3 Irishmen sitting in a pub,watching the comings and goings of the brothel over the road.



Then they see the Protestant vicar knock the door and go inside.



Moments later,the Rabbi knocks the door and enters



5 minutes later,their Catholic Priest knocks at the door.



"Ah,that's sad"declares one of them "one of the girls must have died"

yorgozlu



Joined: 16/06/2009
Posts: 4437

Message Posted:
16/03/2012 15:59

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'

'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'

yorgozlu



Joined: 16/06/2009
Posts: 4437

Message Posted:
16/03/2012 16:05

An Irish man, an English man, a Scots man and a Welsh man were all on an airplane together when one of the engines fails.

The pilot explains the situation to the all of the passengers. He tells them if someone doesn't jump out they will all be dead.

He asks who is prepared to die for the greater good, adding that they will be remembered as a hero forever.

The brave Scots man says 'Ok then, i will do this for the glory of my country' and jumps out.

The pilot turns around and tells the remaining passengers that the plane is still going down and someone else must do the right thing.

The Welsh man tells every one that as he is the oldest out of all the passengers, he will take the plunge, so he jumps out .

Again the pilot turns around and says, its helping but we need 1 more to jump for the rest of the passengers to survive.

So the Irish man says 'well I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I will do this for the greater good and for the glory of my country.

So he grabs the Engli